I Spent Time With Amish People and Have Come to Learn That They Are Frauds

Shoutout to my buddy Austin who's been asking me to write this blog for about a year now. I honestly wasn't sure if it was that interesting, but I've talked about subject a lot in my life. I've also personally spent some time with an Amish family, and have learned some interesting things. But most importantly, my experience with the Amish have taught me that they're kind of frauds.

If you're unfamiliar with the Amish, here's a quick rundown of what they're about.

The Amish, formally the Old Order Amish, are a group of traditionalist Anabaptist Christian church fellowships with Swiss German and Alsatian origins. They are closely related to Mennonite churches, a separate Anabaptist denomination. The Amish are known for simple living, plain dress, Christian pacifism, and slowness to adopt many conveniences of modern technology, with a view neither to interrupt family time, nor replace face-to-face conversations whenever possible, and a view to maintain self-sufficiency. The Amish value rural life, manual labor, humility and Gelassenheit (submission to God's will). 

Or you might know them better by these pictures.

They ride everywhere on horse and buggy, they build whole ass barns in 10 minutes, and they aren't allowed to have electricity or modern conveniences of any sort. No TV's. No telephones. No fun. Or so that's what they want you to think.

My parents grew up in the town of Berne, Indiana, where there is a thriving Amish community. I've been going back to Berne since before I can remember, and whenever we drive in, we pass multiple Amish families riding down the road in horse and buggies. They wave every time you pass them. They fucking love waving. 

One time over Christmas, we were leaving my grandparents house and my dad out of nowhere said, "We're going to stop at my old classmate Morton's house. He's Amish." (back in the 70's, some Amish went to school with non-Amish)

Me and my brothers said, "Absolutely fucking not. We have to go to an Amish house? That sounds like the worst thing of all time. Do they even know were coming? Were we invited?"

And my dad said, "No but we had our class reunion last summer, and he said to stop by any time."

And we said, "What the hell… Can't we just go home? It's rude to just pop in on someone unexpected."

And my dad said, "Well it's not like I can call him ahead of time."

That was pretty good point, so we just shut up and went to Morton's house. 

When we got there, it was as awkward as you'd expect. We walked in wearing our modern ass athletic leisurewear, Nike shoes, normal haircuts, showered bodies, etc. We sat down in their living room, which was just a series of rocking chairs set up in a circle. I specifically remember 2 things about the visit.

1. They made some delicious candy. It was chocolate covered pretzels, fudge, caramels, and a few other random treats. But to be perfectly honest, the scent of manure was so overwhelming that it was hard to enjoy the food. Which is kind of fucked up to say, but I was an 11 year old kid so that's what I remember. 

2. Morton had over 10 kids. One of them was an adult woman, and she had a mental disability. I forget her name, but it was his oldest daughter. She sat down in the rocking chair and Morton said, "This is my oldest daughter, she's retarded." Which even as an 11 year old I thought was insensitive. But the Amish don't play by the same rules as us, so I decided to not cancel them (I also might have laughed out loud).

From what I can remember about Morton's family, they were good Amish. They had a shit load of farm animals. The whole house smelled like manure. They wore long flowing dresses, button up shirts, overalls, big top hats over bad haircuts, and giant beards with no mustaches. They were on the up and up. 

But I've come to learn that some Amish are frauds. Here are a couple of Amish frauds right here.

Oh, I'm sorry Amish, is having your photo taken not a violation of the Second Commandment prohibiting the making of graven images? Is any physical representation of yourself, whether a painting or film, not promoting individualism and vanity? Does this photo not condemn you to an eternity in hell? (yes it does, having your photo taken sends you to hell, here's my source)

I don't ask much from the Amish. But if you're going to be Amish, and shun the rest of the modern world, then you can't be taking half measures.

Another thing that these frauds have taken a liking to is using public transportation. The use of cars is strictly prohibited by Amish law. But as the world evolves around them, they've started bending the rules. They would never own a car, or obtain a driver's license, but apparently catching a ride from the meth head that parks outside your church every Sunday to make a quick $10 is perfectly fine. It's a practice called "Haulin' Amish". Which also sounds insensitive, but it's very much a thing.

LANCASTER — Some people truck chickens down the road or move milk from state to state. Others lug fresh-cut lumber around.

The Cisney family makes a living hauling Amish.

“I already have a morning and afternoon run that day,” driver Lee Allan Cisney, 56, told an Amish man who called for a ride on a recent weekday afternoon. “I have to take a young couple to pick out a wedding gift.”

Think of “haulin’ Amish" as a rural Uber, except trips are confirmed days or weeks ahead of time through landline telephones that sit in “phone shanties,” shared by various Amish families, in the middle of fields.

(notice this article is from Lancaster, PA, home of broads + a former co-worker of mine who will remain nameless)

On top of that, I have a cousin who went to elementary school with a few Amish as late as the 2000's. He told me that the Amish kids had Gameboys. GAMEBOYS! Sure, they weren't Gameboy Colors. Apparently a color screen is too much of a modern convenience. But as long as Super Mario is outlined in black on a dingy green screen then god allows it? Kind of shady Amish.

Also, that same cousin used to be babysat by an Amish woman. I'm assuming my aunt & uncle paid this woman $10 + a loaf of bread per day for her services. And I remember being over there when she was around. She'd sit there watching Judge Judy the whole time. Bullshit.

I'm not even sure what my point here is, but since I was exposed to Amish at such a young age, I've always been fascinated by them. Obviously, I don't actually give a shit what they do with their lives. They should do whatever makes them happy. But their rules have always made me laugh. They're not allowed to have modern conveniences, except… well… I guess as long as the Gameboy is shitty enough then their kids can still go to heaven 

"We really can't use cars… but I'm running late for second church and if I get in this strung out stranger's 1997 Toyota Camery and give him a bag of coins, then I'll be there in 2 minutes. That's ok."

The Amish are a strange people. One more fun fact. The one thing that most people do know about Amish is that when Amish children get older they have something called Rumspringa. Rumspringa is when Amish teens spend a couple weeks away from the community to try out all the vices of the modern world before making a final decision on whether or not they want to be Amish for the rest of their life, or leave the Amish community behind so they can have TV's and cell phones and shit.

However, my parents who literally grew up and went to school with Amish kids had no idea that Rumspringa was a thing. I remember telling them about it as a kid and they said, "no that's not real." Which is obviously wrong, because Rumspringa is well documented, but I always found that strange. Apparently it's not a thing in all Amish communities. 

Just watch out for the Amish. They're not all that they seem.