Australia Has Declared War On Our American Way Of Life By Saying "Big Penis USA" Pills Are Too Dangerous

NYPost.com - Aussie men will have to find alternative ways to get endowed Down Under: Australian health officials are warning people to stop taking “Big Penis USA” pills after finding that the male enhancement medication contained an undeclared — and very popular — libido-booster.

“Big Penis USA tablets pose a serious risk to your health and should not be taken,” the country’s Therapeutic Goods Administration declared in a Thursday public service announcement on their site.

Listen here you Aussie assholes, we will not stand idly by while you sully the name of our fine country. When we put our name on a product it carries the weight of 332 Million red-blooded Americans with lips packed full of chaw and hearts packed full of cholesterol. 

Are the Big Penis USA pills dangerous? I'm not sure but I can almost guarantee they are. Because everything in America that we originally think is awesome usually turns out to be dangerous. Guns, fireworks, cigs, OJ Simpson. 

You think we climbed to the top of the Earth's geopolitical food chain by playing it safe? On a clear summer night you can see hearts exploding on the horizon from all the red meat and beer in our diet. We don't do safe around here. We like our cars fast and our dicks hard.

The Aussie health organization declared that the “supply of Big Penis USA tablets containing undisclosed sildenafil is illegal.”

They added that they’d “notify the ABF (Australian Border Force) to seize and destroy any of these products intercepted at the border.”

Meanwhile, customers were urged to stop using the enlargement meds and to bring any remaining pills to the nearest pharmacy for disposal.

Sildenafil is the ingredient in Viagra so you know it's good. And this is wildly disappointing coming from a country that's filled with the descendants of criminals. I thought Australia was chock full of people having sweaty desert sex and fist fighting kangaroos. Not some soft nation worried about boner pills that may or may not be a ticking time bomb for your heart.

If I'm going out then I'm going out doing what I love: With a cock that's rock hard and stomach that's full of Taco Bell. Do you even have Taco Bell in Australia? Do you even know how delicious a crunch wrap supreme is? Have you ever tried to fuck after eating three of them when you got home from the bar? Try it once and you will know that the last thing you need to worry about exploding is your heart.

(I'm referring to diarrhea. I'm saying you need to worry about a butt explosion.)

And all Australia is doing is copying us anyway. We warned our citizens about these Big Penis USA pills nearly a decade ago. 

Interestingly, this advisory comes seven years after the US Federal Drug Administration issued a similar warning about the Big Penis USA pills for the same reason after IDing the product during an examination of international mail shipments.

Do you think that stopped Americans from taking those pills? Probably not. Take a little gander at our new cycle, it's filled with us doing stupid shit over and over again and not learning our lesson. Nancy Pelosi is a perfect example.

So quit slandering our good name Australia or we might have to escalate this situation beyond words and dick pills. We already confiscated your most valuable asset in Margot Robbie. Don't make us come for that stupid Opera House too.

Merica'

For more unabashedly patriotic content follow me @WillBurge