All-Time Yankee Partiers Starting Lineup
I was watching the Yankees last night and the PIX 11 announcers mentioned that it was the 20th anniversary of Mickey Mantle’s death. Obviously Mickey Mantle was before my, or anyone reading this’ time. But being a lifelong Yankee fan is a pretty unique fan experience amongst professional sports, where you don’t just inherit a team, but also inherit a history and mythology that you study and read up on as a kid. The past history and old legends of the New York Yankees are almost as central and important to the identity of the entire organization as wahtever the current team is. The only other teams I can think of that are like this to even close to the same extent are the Red Sox, Montreal Canadians, Green Bay Packers, big time College Football and Basketball powerhouses, the Celtics, and the Lakers. There are probably a few more that I’m forgetting.
So any Yankee fan is pretty familiar to the legend of Mickey Mantle. Of course there are the on-field accomplishments: 20-time All-Star, 18 World Series home runs, most feared switch hitter in baseball history, four 100 RBI seasons, being Bryce Harper’s favorite player which will directly contribute to our 2018 World Series title. But just as impressive and prolific as the Mick on the field were his exploits off it, were he was regarded as one of the most legendary partiers of the 1950’s. That’s why last night reminded me of this gem, a questionnaire he filled out for the Yankees 50th Anniversary Game:
There are a million lists online and in assorted magazines of the all-time best Yankee lineup on the field, but not nearly enough about the legends off of it. So with this in mind and in honor of the 20th anniversary of the Mick’s deathiversary, here is the Starting 9 for the All-Time Yankees Partier Team.
Center Field: Mickey Mantle
The blowjob between the 3rd and 4th inning is just a drop in the bucket for the Mickster. Passing out in the dugout hungover and then coming out and immediately hitting a home run, starting every morning with a glass of Kahula, cream, and brandy, and revolutionizing the “have-a-groupie-in-every-city-you-travel-to” strategy for every pro athlete. Legend of the game.
Left Field: Babe Ruth
The first celebrity athlete, Babe set the all-time MLB record for Home Runs and banging hookers. Newspapermen of the time famously protected the public from the worst (best?) of Babe stories lest they lose access to the most famous athlete of a generation, so tragically most of the stories are lost to time.
Right Field: Darryl Strawberry
Darryl will always be remembered on and off the field first and foremost as a Met, but I couldn’t justify to myself not including him. Besides,if his cocaine habit hadn’t destroyed the late 80’s Mets chances of being a dynasty, who knows how baseball history would have been altered and if the Yankees dominance in the 90’s would have happened? I’ve seen The Butterfly Effect, I know how this shit works.
First Base: Jason Giambi
Jason Giambi is a man whose face just screams “I like drinking whiskey cokes in strip clubs.” Luckily he could do whatever he wanted off-the-field and still be able to perform at an All-Star level unlike his shithead brother Jeremy.
Second Base: Billy Martin
The second-half of the Mantle-Martin drinking duo that dominated the entire 1950’s. Billy Martin drank, fought, and swore his way through a wildly successful playing and managing career, and is a sad reminder of the type of colorful character who defined multiple generations of Yankees championships yet could never survive today’s insufferably holier-than-thou sports media.
Shortstop: Derek Jeter
Jeter never let himself get photographed in a club or a NSFW story leak for most of his career, just as impressive as 3465 hits IMO, despite being the most famous baseball player of the 24/7 sports coverage era. But any crew needs a guy who can get the girls, and love or hate Jeter you can’t deny him being the greatest cocksman of his generation this side of Leonardo DiCaprio . Remember the Starting lineup of his own.
Third Base: Graig Nettles
Anyone crazy enough to punch out Reggie Jackson at the afterparty following the 1981 ALCS is a big enough wild card to want rolling with you for a night. It takes a certain type of guy to survive being on those Bronx Zoo teams.
UPDATE: It was immediately brought to my attention on social media that I left off Wade Boggs. Huge, huge, huge, huge, huge oversight. Obviously Boggs, the man who could drink enough bers on a cross-country flight to inspire an all-time Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia episode, and celebrated a World Series win a police horse gets this spot, and the 3-hole in the batting order. Apologies.
Catcher: Yogi Berra
If he was good enough to hang out with Mickey Mantle and Billy Martin, he’s good enough for me.
Pitcher: David Wells
Narrowly edges out Whitey Ford. Whitey might have been more of a stone-cold drunk than Boomer, but Whitey Ford didn’t pitch a no-hitter while still drunk from the night before, so I gotta give it to the big man. The real-life Kenny Powers.
Did I miss anyone or get a pick wrong? Let me know. Can reached on Twitter @CharlieWisco or email at CharlieWisco@aol.com
PS: How crazy is it this entirely fictional team still isn’t as fucking nuts as the actual 1986 Mets were?