Happy Presidents Day: Real Facts About Every President

Happy Presidents Day

Some of these aren't facts

George Washington (Pathological Liar)
Lied about chopping down his father's cherry tree, which was his family's only source of food. Told everyone his teeth were made of wood, when they clearly were his real teeth. Dick was smaller than he claimed. Didn't have sex until marriage, which wasn't as big of a deal back then, but he kept telling everyone he had a girlfriend back in England, which was obviously bullshit.

John Adams (First in White House)
White House was built during Adam's presidency, making him the first president to do a bunch of things in the White House. Things like busting and pooping. And if were being honest, he was probably the first to hit his wife. It was the year 1800 after all.

Thomas Jefferson (Obesity Enabler)
Played a key role in the current obesity epidemic by heling popularize french fries, mac & cheese, and ice cream in America

James Madison (Pet Parrot)
Had a pet parrot named Polly to whom he might have taught curse words.

James Monroe (Louisiana Purchase)
Napoleon Bonaparte of France gave him Louisiana in exchange for a bag of croissants .

John Quincy Adams (Quincy, Massachusetts)
John Adams son. Was born in Quincy, Massachusetts. Named after his birthplace. Kind of like Brooklyn Beckham and Paris Jackson, except I think those kids were named after where their parents had sex. The internet doesn't say where John Quincy Adams was conceived, but I bet it was in Quincy. Pregnant women probably didn't do a lot of traveling back then. 

Andrew Jackson (Cockfighting)
Hobbies included cockfighting and racehorse breeding (real fact).

Martin Van Buren (Seinfeld)
Best known for Seinfeld Season 8, Episode 14 titled "The Van Buren Boys", where Kramer fends off The Van Buren Boys gang by accidently holding up 8 fingers, which was the gang's secret sign. Martin Van Buren was the 8th President.

William Henry Harrison (Pneumonia, Died)
Died so fast he barely counts. Said to have gotten pneumonia because he insisted on giving an 8,445 word speech during his inauguration on an "extremely cold day". But I looked it up and it was 48 degrees. Dude was killed by a 48 degree day. 

John Tyler (Was a President)
Begins a run of Presidents that nobody cares about. Maybe that's unfair. But if I had to name every President. I definitely would not have remembered John Tyler, as well as the next 5.

James Knox Polk (Ghost)
Has been dug up and reburied 3 times, resulting in ghosts. 

Zachary Taylor (Wars)
Fought a bunch of wars against Native Americans. Kind of a fucked up period of history.

Millard Fillmore (Unremarkable)
Nothing that fun or interesting. Most Presidential rankings have him near the bottom. 

Franklin Pierce (Alcoholic)
Died of liver disease. The internet says, "His fondness for drink was not something to hide in those times," That would have been a fun time to be alive. Actually… it would have been horrible. Everything aside from that sucked. But at least you could be drunk all the time. 

James Buchanan (Racist Virgin)
Never married. Bragged about being a virgin. Has been called "Undoubtedly the most racist President of all time."  

Abraham Lincoln (Tall)
Was obsessed with being the tallest person in the room. Despite already standing at 6'4", Lincoln wore an extra tall hat to assure none of his inferiors would exceed him in height. 

Andrew Johnson (Impeached)
He never went to school, so probably shouldn't have even been President in the first place

Ulysses S. Grant (Great Name)
Coolest name of all the Presidents. Although the S didn't stand for anything, so it's kind of cheating.

Rutherford B. Hayes (COVID-19)
President who imported Siamese Cat's into America. Not sure why that would have been the Presidents job, but it started a chain of events that lead to COVID-19

James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
Shot by a French guy. Or at least a guy who's name sounds French (Guiteau). They say he didn't receive very good medical care after he was shot. Apparently, Alexander Graham Bell tried to save his life by scanning him with a metal detector. Hell of an operation they were running back then.

Chester A. Arthur (T-Shirt)
When I was like 12 years old, I saw a guy wearing a shirt that said "Chester A. Arthur was Chester A. Terrific". I thought it was the funniest thing I had seen in my entire life. To me it was the height of comedy. In hindsight… I was so right.

Grover Cleveland (Fascinating Facts)
As I'm writing this, I keep coming across articles that are titled something like, "10 FASCINATING facts about __ President" Then one of the facts is "Grover Cleveland won his second election in the popular vote." ConstitutionCenter.org is playing fast and loose with the word fascinating.

Benjamin Harrison (Lucky Pierre)
The Lucky Pierre between 2 Grover Cleveland's

Grover Cleveland (Again)
Just retire man

William McKinley (Assassinated)
Our country has a history of doing a terrible job saving our Presidents after they get shot. For some reason, after he was shot, they had an OB/GYN perform the surgery on him. McKinley was shot twice, and the OB/GYN couldn't find the second bullet. Probably because it wasn't in his vagina. And apparently, Thomas Edison sent them a sick ass, brand new X-Ray machine, which probably would have found the bullet, but they decided not to use because they thought McKinley was going to be ok. Turns out he wasn't, and he developed gangrene around the path of the second bullet and died.

Theodore Roosevelt (Elephants)
Pretty sure he hunted elephants.

William Howard Taft (Fun)
A lot of fun things about Taft. He weighed over 350 pounds and got stuck in a bathtub. He was the first President to throw out a first pitch at a baseball game. Was a heavyweight wrestling champion at Yale. He was buried in a piano. Which is kinda crazy that he could fit in a piano but not a bathtub. The internet would have had a field day with him.

Woodrow Wilson (Sheep)
Kept a flock of sheep on the White House lawn. Sometimes perverts have sex with sheep. But I won't jump to any conclusions. I'm sure Wilson had them for non-sexual purposed. I just went down a sheep fucking rabbit hole that really fucked up my whole day.

Warren G. Harding (Penis)
He named his penis Jerry

Calvin Coolidge (Ginger)
He had red hair

Herbert Hoover (Ass Hole)
He was a multi-millionaire and was quoted saying, "If a man hasn't made a million dollars by the time he's forty, he is not worth much." He was elected in 1929, so say he made that quote in 1930. Adjusted for inflation, that is $17.5 million today. Fuck off guy. 

Franklin D. Roosevelt (Ugly Wife)
A lot of people say he had an ugly wife. Which seems unfair, because if you Google pictures of old Presidents wives, a lot of them don't look great. 

Harry Truman (Cocaine)
Debilitating cocaine addiction that overshadowed his Presidency

Dwight Eisenhower (Monopoly Man)
Inspiration for the Monopoly Man

John F. Kennedy (Scumbag)
I saw a couple of my coworkers call him a scumbag on Twitter this morning. Not sure if that's only because he cheated on his wife, or if he did other scumbag things. His death was probably not a conspiracy.

Lyndon B Johnson (Ate Vegetables)
Just found a fun fact that said "LBJ ate all his vegetables"

Richard Nixon (Barry Bonds)
Ran for President five times and won twice, which gives him a batting average of .400. That's more than good enough to be elected to the hall of fame, but he was caught up in scandal which hurts his resume. In many ways he's the Barry Bonds of Presidents. IDFK I'm just trying to get this to the finish line.

Gerald Ford (Football)
Won 3 National Championships at the University of Michigan. Was MVP his senior year. Could have played in the NFL. Kept a pet wolverine in the White House.

Jimmy Carter (Still Alive)
I saw a picture of him on Twitter the other day. He's so old. 98 years. He's lived 42 years since he left office. 43% of his life has come after he was President. That's pretty impressive.

Ronald Reagan (Jelly Beans)
He loved jelly beans, but his favorite flavor was licorice. Imagine fucking a guy who eats licorice jelly beans all day. Poor Nancy.

George H.W. Bush (David Cop-A-Feel)
One time grabbed a woman's ass and said his favorite magician was David Cop-A-Feel. If you laugh at that you're going to hell.

Bill Clinton (Sex guy)
Big sex guy.

George W. Bush (9/11)
Defeated the terrorists by throwing out the first pitch at a Yankees game.

Barack Obama (College Basketball Player)
Leading scorer & 2nd-Team All-Ivy League at Columbia University. Forwent the NBA draft to attend Harvard Law School.

Donald Trump (Orange)
Bad orange man. Objectively the funniest President. 

Joe Biden (Also Pretty Funny)
Trump was funnier but Biden is unintentionally giving him a run for his money. 

Dave Portnoy (VIVA)
My president. Viva! Viva! Viva!