Oh I'm Sorry China. Did We Shoot Down Your Spy Balloon? Do You Want It Back?
Omg China, I'm so sorry... Did we shoot down your spy balloon? Were you expecting your Chinese Spy Balloon to make it around the world unscathed? Were you planning on using your spy balloon for something else in the future? Is the data your spy balloon collected important? Do you need it back? If only you had said something sooner, then we would have known to leave it alone. I can't believe the big mean U.S. Government blasted it with a missile without your permission.
No, you don't get your spy balloon back. That's not how this works. You balloon sucks ass anyways. No bright colors, or interesting design. It wasn't shaped like a cartoon character, or twisted up into the shape of an animal. It didn't celebrate a special occasion. It didn't make your voice funny, or alter the chemicals in your brain if you sucked the air out of it.
I bet you didn't even consider selling ad space on it, did you China? Do you know how much money Jeff Bezos would have shelled out for Amazon to sponsor your balloon? If you had a lick of sense, you would have sold the spy balloon to a sponsor, and America would have chalked it up to some sort of viral marketing campaign. The balloon dominated the news for days. It would have been the greatest marketing stunt of all time. Massive missed opportunity. Your balloon was simultaneously the most boring, yet still the most conspicuous balloon I've ever seen. You could not have possibly done a worse job. The Chinese Spy Balloon truly had zero (0) redeeming qualities. It's almost an insult to even call it a balloon. Here's what real balloons look like.
My whole life I've considered China a formidable opponent. I've always taken them for a country who has their shit together. But if their spy balloon is any indication of how they run their country, we can go ahead and cross them off our list of countries to worry about. Maybe we should give them their spy balloon back. It's quite literally trash. What are they going to do with the information anyways, improve the TikTok algorithm?
But if you must have your balloon back, then at least offer us something in return. Maybe you forget about that $1 trillion in debt we owe you. Throw in a reputable badminton duo, then maybe we'll have a deal.
Unless this is exactly what China wants us to think. They couldn't have possibly thought this was the best way to go about spying on us. I'm sure they could accomplish the same thing with satellites that are way more advanced than an extremely obvious balloon. While our dumbasses are glued to social media, dunking on China because we took their balloon, they're probably tunneling underneath the Pentagon, bugging the White House, and robbing the U.S. Mint all at once. But you're not getting your balloon back, assholes.
USA! USA! USA!