Sometimes It Is OK To Assault A Camera Man

I am sure you saw the incident following the Chiefs vs Raiders Monday Night Football Game. Davante Adams was visibly frustrated leaving the field after the Raiders 30-29 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs. In a fit of blind range, the deranged Davante Adams trampled an unsuspecting camera man like a pack of 30-50 feral hogs in Willie McNabb's backyard while his small kids play.

This morning, Adam Schefter broke the news that the Municipal Court of Kansas City has charged Davante Adams with Misdemeanor Assault.

A misdemeanor assault charge seems a bit extreme to me, but I can't blame the camera man for chasing a bag. I dream of a situation where I catch a bag in such a manner. That's why I always stomp on subway grates, and walk as close as possible to the bicycle lane when I'm walking in the city.

The camera man claims to have suffered whiplash, a headache, and a possible minor concussion. In my opinion, he should have known better than to walk in front of an enraged football player minutes after he caused his team to lose the game by running into his own teammate. You need to have your head on a swivel when you're on an NFL field, no matter what the situation is. But that doesn't mean Davante Adams was right to pancake him to the ground.

While I do not believe that this particular camera man deserved to be assaulted, I would not got as far to say that you should NEVER assault a camera man. Camera men can be pricks. Camera women can be cunts. In certain situations, camera persons deserve to be assaulted. Here are some of those situations.

He removes the peep hole of your hotel room door, and films you while you are naked in your room

If you remove the peep hole on a hotel room door, it allows you to see into the room from the outside. Say you are an attractive sideline reporter for a company like ESPN, and a man with a camera at the Nashville Marriott removes the peep hole from the door to your room. Say you unsheathe your clothes in the privacy of your room, exposing your naked body. If the camera man presses his camera up against the peep hole, and takes photos of you, then you are fully in the right to assault that camera man. You can assault him physically, or attack him financially in the form of a $55 million lawsuit 

He asked your waiter a stupid question that embarrasses you and everyone else at the table

Say you are with my girlfriend's friend Tyler, who is a Vehicle Photographer for Cox Automotive in Columbus, Ohio. If Tyler joins you for dinner at Forno for my girlfriend's birthday, and he is deciding between two dishes, and he asks the waiter, "What do you think I would like most?", then you are allowed to smash your wine glass over the table, and slash his throat with it. 

He is also your flight attendant and he swiped your unfinished drink without asking before takeoff. He didn't even give you a chance to chug it first. Then you had to wait until the plane reached altitude to get another drink

Say you're flying first-class from New York to Columbus, because it was only $40 more expensive for a first-class ticket, so you thought, "Why not." 

When you sit down, the flight attendant takes your drink order, and you recognize him as the photographer from your friend's wedding. A minute before the plane leaves the gate, you decide to rest your eyes for no more than 1 minute. While your eyes are closed, you feel the plane move. When you open your eyes back up, you notice that your still half full drink has been taken, and your tray table has been raised. The flight attendant who moonlights as a camera man thought you were sleeping, and took your drink from you while your eyes were closed. You understand that trays must be up, and drinks must be finished before the plane leaves the game, but he didn't even give you the opportunity to finish it. Performing an act of terrorism during the flight would be taking it too far– the other passengers should not be punished for the flight attendant/photographer's regrettable decision. However, it would not be taking it too far to square up with him in the aisle of the plane, and have a bare knuckle boxing match.

You made 2 hole-in-ones in a row at the Barstool Mini Golf Invitational, and he lost the footage

There were a preposterous amount of camera men at this year's prestigious, Barstool Mini Golf Invitational. However many camera men you think might have been there, triple that number, and that's how many there were. It is difficult to get screen time at an event such as this. There was a lot of footage, so naturally, not every shot could be included in the final cut.

However, if you make 2 hole-in-ones in a row, then you are deserving of screen time. If the camera man somehow misplaces the footage and it never makes it back to Barstool HQ, then it is well within your rights to assault him physically.

He is directing & filming you in a pornography (it's a low-budget operation) and he is giving you too much instruction, which causes you to lose your erection

You're a professional. You understand that in the pornography business, there is going to be someone shouting directions at you. Most people couldn't perform under this type of pressure, but you can, because again– you are a professional. But this guy takes it too far. 

"LOUDER! LOUDER! Bite her in the throat! Suck the blood out of her like a mosquito! Yeahhh that's right you're a mosquito! A big bad sexy West Nile virus ridden mosquito! Now go down south! Sift through her flaps like the pages of a book! YESSS that's right like a flip book! Like a flip book of an erupting volcano! Now YOU'RE the volcano! You're Mount Vesuvius! Her face is the city of Pompeii! I need you to ERUPT MOUNT VESUVIUS! DESTROY THE CITY OF POMPEII WITH YOUR MOLTEN HOT CUM!!! ERUPT!!! ERUPT!!! ERUPT!!!"

That's way too much. You can't perform for that type of producer/director. Stop having sex immediately. Pull down his pants, rip off his testicles, and strangle him with his own scrotum.

You are a news producer, and your camera man keeps showing up to work drunk. You're also pretty sure he fucked your wife

Say you are a producer for a local news station, and your camera man (Charlie) is a drunk. It has been negatively affecting his performance lately, and that falls directly on you. If it was up to you, he would have been fired long ago. The problem is, he is an exceptionally likable individual. He is handsome, he's hilarious, and he has a charming personality. Nobody would ever dream of blaming him for anything. Anytime he makes a mistake they chalk it up to, "Oh that's just Charlie being Charlie!"

You also suspect him of fucking your wife at the news station's non-holiday specific end-of-the-year party. You can't prove it, but the long-time Meteorologist, Harvey Stamper, insists he saw the two of them looking disheveled as they came out of the back stairwell together. Harvey is a nice, polite 63-year old father of 4, who never gets involved in any drama. For him to say something like that is very damning. Your wife vehemently denies this. She says that they were just smoking a joint, but that doesn't make any sense. Your wife would never smoke weed without telling you. Not that you'd really care, it's just not in her character. Plus, you would have been able to tell if she was high.

A white-hot ball of anger directed at Charlie has been brewing inside of you for months. It grows bigger and hotter every day. You can't get the image of him bending your wife over the railing in the stairwell between the 3rd and 4th floors out of your head.

Things at the news have not been going well lately. Viewership has been down. You blame Charlie, but your boss is having none of it. He says, "Your team's subpar performance is a result of poor leadership." 

He gives you one more chance to turn things around, but a few more bad days and you're back to producing/directing low-budget porn in Studio City. One day, at the end of the first segment, Charlie forgets to cut to commercial. The news anchor says a racial slur live on camera because he thinks he is no longer being recorded. You look over at your boss and he gives the throat slash motion. Today will certainly be your last day at the station.

You're already fired, so you might as well fly off the handle. In this scenario, it is fully acceptable to grab a microphone stand from the supply closet, break it over your knee, and strike Charlie across the mouth. Strike him repeatedly until his teeth are scattered about the newsroom floor, and blood pours from his eyeballs. You were already fired anyways.

You are on a reality TV show and the camera man implies that you should lay off the booze

You're literally drinking to make the show better. It's not like you're going to start any drama while you're sober. Fuck off. Shatter his kneecaps with a barstool.

He is filming you in your natural habitat while you are trying to teach your bear cubs how to properly climb a tree

You are simply a mother bear raising your bear cubs to the best of your ability. Father bear is in the midst of a long slumber, so it is on you to raise and protect your children. If some nosey camera man sneaks up from behind you to get a candid photo, turn around and perform a bear attack.

He is filming a white man wading your waters in Africa, mocking your way of life 

Hippo mode is for Hippos only. Teach him a lesson. 

You're a giant pile of icy snow and he's taking pictures from the bottom of the mountain that you are about to avalanche down

Imagine you are one of nature's 7 wonders of the world - The Magnificent Avalanche. You're brewing atop of Mount Zugspitze, the tallest mountain in all of Germany. You've been accumulating snow for months, but over the last few weeks the weather has heated up. You were once a beautiful pile of fluffy white snow, but have now started to evaporate. You've turned into gross slippery ice. You're disgusted with yourself. Then you notice some ass hole with a camera at the base of the mountain. He's snapping photos of you at your worst. You're fed up. It's time to end it all. Kamikaze your way down the mountain and avalanche overtop of the camera man.

This joke was based on the assumption that avalanches occur when warmer weather causes the snow to melt and slide down the mountain. I do not think that assumption is correct.

He is filming a crumbum and a lush who won't get out of your face

You are a small town mayor, and you have no time to be bothered by neither a crumbum or a lush. Give him, and the crumbum/lush a piece of your mind. Wrestle them both to the ground and break their arms.

He doesn't like the way you did your most recent ad read

You work hard. You're definitely the hardest worker in the company. If a camera man asks you to do an ad read while you're dressed an a 1920's milkman, he's going to get 1 take. You'll get it right the first time. If he's not fully satisfied with the take, then tough shit. That doesn't give him the right to call you a moron from Mississippi. That's taking it too far. You're more important than him anyways. You're Brandon Fucking Walker. Shove him as hard as you possibly can.