Steve Sarkisian Says the Stripper Monkey Story Is Definitely Not a Distraction for Texas

You know, sometimes you don't even need to hear the answer to a question. The fact it's asked at all is enough.

Texas head coach Steve Sarkisian having to answer for his special teams coach's stripper girlfriend having her monkey attack a trick-or-treater is one such question.

In case you somehow missed one of the greatest stories of our time, Texas assistant coach Jeff Banks has a girlfriend known in her line of work as the "Pole Assassin." In addition to apparently being one of the best in the stripper game, Pole Assassin has a pet monkey — because of course she does.

The monkey *allegedly* attacked a child who was trick-or-treating and going through a haunted maze at the Banks' house. While we may never know exactly how much truth there are to the allegations levied against Banks and Pole Assassin, it was a truly seminal moment in College Football Twitter history. You'll never forget where you were when you learned about this.

Now, Texas' head coach is answering questions about a stripper's monkey during his weekly media availability, though he swears it is not a distraction. You know how I know it's a distraction, Steve? You're the head football coach at the University of Texas during a game week and journalists are asking you about one of your employees having a pet monkey that attacked a child. Seems like an inherent distraction, to be quite honest with you.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: there will never be a sport that compares to college football. Next time y'all are going crazy for your NBA Twitter drama, ask yourself if it's anything remotely as ridiculous as the Pole Assassin's monkey.