Mets Trade For Juan Uribe And Kelly Johnson

Lets get even sexier motherfuckers!

 

 

Ok let me start off with the good. Juan Uribe and Kelly Johnson are Major League Ball players. They arent particularly great. They arent at all exciting. But they are players that still, at the moment, for at least a season or two more, belong at the plate during actual MLB games. That is, scarily, a step up. Beggars cant be choosers. Adios to John Mayberry and Danny Muno. Best of luck in your futures making Subway sandwiches.

Juan Uribe, I thought was dead. Because I was confusing him with Jose Uribe, who is, in fact, dead. God rest his soul. But turns out hes alive and breathing and been hitting pretty damn well in Atlanta. Triple slash of .285/.353/.464 with 7 dingers which legit is immediately one of the Mets best hitters. Sad to say that, but again, all of this talk is relative to the Mets current lineup. He fills the hole at third base – so God willing we dont have to see Daniel Murphy at the hot corner any time soon (Tom Emanski rolls over in his grave every time Murph is out there at 3rd. Is Tom Emanski dead? I feel like he is. Clearly not really good with knowing who is alive or dead these days) or Eric Campbell. Soup, I feel bad for – the guy is just in over his head almost in every aspect. At third, in left, at the plate. He’s doing his best but he’s just not talented enough. So here comes Juan to save the day. He’s old as fuck but hes a consistently mediocre hitter, plays 3B and he’s challenging Tolo for Sexiest Met

Big Sexy and Dark Sexy, coming to a ballpark near you!

Kelly Johnson is one of those dudes who we all know who’s been around the block. I feel like at some point in everyone’s life, Kelly Johnson has gotten a big hit against your team and you’ve been like “FUCK Kelly Johnson!” He too is right at that same level as Big Juan – .275/.321/.451 with 9 home runs. Few years younger too! Spry age of 33. Versatile as fuck in the field which is good because this team started the year with all sorts of people playing out of position and now we got a guy who can do a little bit of everything.

Best part is, we gave up absolutely nothing for these guys. Now, I say absolutely nothing meaning that right now they are garbage but they will inevitably be All Stars or perhaps HOFers because thats just how things work with the Mets. Destiny will ensure that the phrase “Can you believe the Mets gave up John Gant for JUAN URIBE!?” when they are handing Gant a Cy Young one day. But thats not Sandy’s fault that the Mets Curse fault, so we cant avoid that. We gave up nothing at the moment.

So this trade, this literal exchange, I like. Theres nothing not to like. They are both upgrades and valuable (again, relative term) veterans. I’ve been preaching all along how this team does not need an electrifying offense. They dont need to be the Toronto Blue Jays. They just need to be a middle of the road mediocre offense and taking out two guys who belong in the minors and replacing them with two guys batting .275-.285 who can end up with 15 home runs is basically a pretty significant step towards doing that. Am I going to sit here and tell you we’re all set now and thats all this pitching staff and bullpen needed to make a real contending push? No. But these two plus the arrival of Conforto 100,000% helps.

Now let me just speak real for a minute her. Dont want to be Negative Nancy but I gotta say the other half of things. These are Band Aid moves. Obviously. These are two aging veterans who are not a part of the Mets future. If the Mets were a constant playoff contender and were just a couple vets away from going over the top in pursuit of a 2015 World Series Championship, there would be nothing to complain about. But obviously they are not. They are far, far from that. So just once I’d love to see the Mets go for it. Grow a pair of balls. Make a splash. Get a real fucking player that not only helps right now but actual is a piece of the longer term puzzle along with this electric rotation. This trade is a good trade, its just that this is the “type” of trade – a cheap, easy, safe Wilpon trade – that drives me nuts. And Mets fans are savvy fans. They can see the value in this so they applaud the work here but sometimes I think it lets ownership off the hook as well. They appease the fans and placate them with a minor league call up and 2 decent sticks and they feel they’ve done enough. Fuck that. I’m not saying there was a perfect big trade on the table and they walked and away and opted for this safe, small time route instead. And to be perfectly fair, all the aggressive teams I praised in the offseason like the Padres and the Red Sox, their moves have all pretty much backfired. But I remember not too long ago when there was a Pedro signing and a Beltran signing and a Carlos Delgado trade, and now here I am happy with Juan Uribe. I dont wanna sound like an unrealistic spoiled brat. I know real life is not like fantasy baseball. But there was just a time when this franchise used to swing their dick a little bit and actually act like a billion dollar New York City franchise and now we’re so battered and beaten as fans we’re actually pumped for Juan Uribe and Kelly Johnson. Thats my only negative thoughts on this trade. The more big picture, macro evaluation of how this franchise works.

But like I’ve said 1,000 times before, when this team can score 4 runs, they win fucking ball games. Like 80% of the time they win ball games. And with Dark Sexy and Kelly Johnson in this lineup, we are much more capable of reaching that magic number. Plus if Mike Conforto contributes and God Willing sticks around longer than just Cadaver’s DL stint, maybe spicing things up and shaking up the clubhouse sparks this team a little.

I feel pathetic as a baseball fan of a big market team saying this, but credit where credit is due, Sandy made a quality move for this team yesterday.