Old and Told?
Fuck no, baby. It's been over a month since the last text-based update of ANUS in Part 1 of our ever-growing index, and the stories and lore since then have only been getting newer and more untold. As crazy as that sounds. The following topics may have been covered to some extent in podcast form, but I felt that our voices only did them so much justice.
Before we get into it, a big thanks to Riggsy and the merch team for green-lighting our first ever collaboration with Fore Play and Barstool Golf. Couldn't be happier about this launch if I tried. But, hell, an even bigger thank you to everyone who participated in our preliminary sweatshirt giveaway this past Friday. I can't stress enough how much your continuous support means to us.
ANUS Index Part 2
The 27 Club
Cultural phenomenon in Wheeling, West Virginia where an exclusive group of people mysteriously started living to the age of 27 and sometimes beyond. Growing up as kids, we perceived this as a "milestone" or "achievement," rather than a "tragedy." I remember walking to the nearest McDonald's to get free wifi just so I could google "Jimi Hendrix health secrets."
Auntie Vaxxer
My "holistic and free thinking" aunt who would give me multiple makeshift vaccines every time I'd go over to her house as a child. Growing up, I loved her to death and thought she was singlehandedly responsible for keeping me alive, but she treated my body like a voodoo doll and brainwashed me into being hyper paranoid of Tetanus, Rubella, and Polio. In my young, naives eyes, she was my art-loving heroine and my veins were her canvas. But now I realize she was just addicted to giving me vaccines.
Avatar The Last Their Gender
Set in a dystopian future, non-binary They/Thems are nearly extinct after decades of avoiding reproduction. Facing a nuclear winter and existential crisis, one man, or woman, is tasked with repopulating the earth. But how will they go about it? M. Night Shyamalan's biggest twist ending since The Sixth Sense.
Bill da Bear
Nick’s exceptionally hairy and gay friend William who would oftentimes take him to the mall to get Auntie Annes and Orange Julius; rebranded to just “Bill” after linking up with Mike Stud and a team of Manscaped brand ambassadors at a South by Southwest afterparty.
"Blockchain Pussy"
Widely regarded as the highest caliber of groupies in the cryptocurrency community; KB's dick's kryptonite
Bowling Allie
Nickname of Nick’s former "crush" Allie Megaludis; known for being very cute from the sternum down but having a jarringly long and narrow neck; also known for having albinism and always wearing a red choker from Claire's
Camp
Nick and I went to vastly different summer camps as young teens growing up in West Virginia. While I spent sixteen hours every June at a glorified petting zoo in town, goofing off with doggos and cleaning the cages of pupperinos with a water hose, Nick was one of the three boys from our school who was exclusively handpicked to fly out to the Ozarks of rural Arkansas for a three-week summer camp excursion. Along with Carter Huffman and Gabe Lackman, Nick had a blast doing arts and crafts (making popsicle stick splints for his wrist), fishing, roasting trout and burning Bass (pictures of Lance). Despite being one of the the most popular kids at camp for 12 years straight, Gabe got in trouble one summer for consistently sneaking out past curfew and getting caught under the guys of different camp barracks.
Chelsea “Chanel West Coast” Dudley
Formerly "Chelzz from Rehoboth Beach" on MySpace, KB convinced the now-famous television personality to change her "stage name" after noticing her affinity for high-end fashion and staying up 3+ hours later than most girls her age. KB could tell just from her “HAHahHaHaaHhahAHaAh” response to one of his Dodgeball references via MySpace message that she’d end up being famous for her laugh one day.
Dave and Buster
Nickname of Nick’s balls; the left (Buster) produces and regulates the vast majority of his semen, while the right (Dave) typically just hangs around
Dolezal, Rachel & [Redacted], Michael
Celebrity guest speakers for Career Day at Wright Elementary School in East St. Louis in 2014, where Nick was coincidentally visiting for a Habitat for Humanity outreach trip at the time
MR: You privileged fucks you, you don't know how lucky yous have it…
RD: I’ve worked every day for what you were just…born with
Dr. Allen [Redacted]
KB’s former orthodontist who messaged him “how those teeth holding up kiddo?” at 12:01 AM on New Year's Eve 2014 after not speaking to him for nearly seven years; Facebook profile was mysteriously deleted the next morning
Fast Food Scams and Oddities
Ever since Stella Liebeck infamously sued McDonald's in 1990 after spilling hot coffee on herself and receiving third-degree burns, people have been trying to scam their way into millions of dollars by pretending to "find" different types of body parts or dead rodents in their fast food meals or retail purchases.
- 2006: Anna Ayala of Las Vegas found a human finger in her bowl of Wendy’s chili
- 2014: Andrea Calkins of Pontiac, Michigan found a dead worm in her McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish sandwich
- 2017: Ellen Manfaloutti of Langhorne, Pennsylvania found a dead rat in her Chick-fil-A sandwich
- 2020: Nick Turani of Wheeling, West Virginia found a full-size horse cock in his pants.
Father Tung
Nick and KB’s Bangladeshi priest, Father Nazmul Tungaphadra, from 2005-2005. Known for unconventional practices, such as forcing his altar servers to "traditionally" wear nothing under their robes and demanding the Diocese to fund a chrome altar, as well as using a tier-based "bargaining system" of giving out penance during confession.
Student: Bless me Father Tung, for I have sinned. It has been 18 days since my last confession and I have uhhhh masturbated 5 times since then.
FT: My son, the penance I give out for masturbating 5-7 times is 20 Hail Marys across the board…if you want to…you know….
Student: ???
FT: …If you want to knock one or two more out of the park real quick…I mean, you might as well. It'll be 20 Hail Marys regardless..
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Principal: Father Tung, are you encouraging children to masturbate in front of you during confession?
FT: তুমি কি বলছো? আমি ইংরেজি জানি না
Flat Arthur
Nickname of Nick and KB’s plagiocephalic schoolmate Arthur Rosario. Despite his cartoonishly flat head and low socioeconomic status, he was relentlessly picked on and bullied for other reasons; namely for his severe food aversions that caused him to only eat macaroni and cheese and orange slices (of crayons); mom was a hostess at Friendly's and would bring him home free meals
Food Court
Nickname of KB’s former summer fling and Allie Megaludis’ twin sister Courtney; won Most Healthiest senior superlative for Wheeling Park High School Class of 2011; rewards member at Talcum in the Middle during the Chafing Epidemic of 2006.
The Foot Ball
Annual gala held at Wheeling Jesuit University before the Little People Olympics with particularly exclusive height requirements; KB tried and failed to sneak in with a fake ID that said he was 0’11”; Tucker Max succeeded and subsequently wrote about his experience in one of his best-selling fratire novels
Four Lanes Mall
Colloquial term for the mall in Wheeling, West Virginia with four perpetually busy Lane Bryants.
Keith Gosling
Ryan Gosling’s (fictional/hypothetical) intellectually and physically inferior twin brother.
"It’s been a tough year for all of us in the Gosling family…Ryan is trying to have a child with his wife, Eva Mendes, and he has to fuck her tight, little, perfect pussy every single night without a condom, and he has to cum raw inside of her… And our boy Keith, it’s been a tough year for him too…he swallowed his tongue twice and had a seizure from a strobe light" - Mrs. Gosling in end-of-year Christmas card
Keith Turban
Nickname of Nick’s Kuwaiti classmate who covered "Stupid Boy" and "Kiss A Girl" in Arabic at the high school talent show in 2009
Kevin Nguyen
Captain of the Wheeling Park basketball team for the 2009-2010 season
Lanny
KB’s "pet name” for his former "fling" and long-time friend Alanis Morissette; before skyrocketing to superstardom, she met 14-year-old KB while working the concession stand of the IMAX theater in Niagara Falls, Ontario.
Quick excerpt:
I'll never forget the day I met Lanny for the first time. Actually, I probaby will… She was dull and underwhelmingly average looking in person, and I was amidst a particularly intense robotrip. But if there's one thing that Robitussin does for me, it enhances my eye for up-and-coming talent. Unlike most of the female vocalists I was discovering around that time, Lanny had a dark and husky texture and vibe to her voice – a sound that was unmistakably unique, unlike her stage name at the time, "Maid of the Mist." After chatting with her for what felt like hours and realizing that she was recovering from breast cancer treatment and struggling to book shows at low-end dive bars, I convinced her that she had to ditch the "shy/sad/prude girl" persona if she ever wanted to succeed in the industry.
Lesbianize, Lesbian Eyes, De-Lesbianize
KB’s mantra and system of methodically changing the sexual orientation of lesbians with his boyish charm, stylish outfits, and vaginally-adjacent penis
The Lost Titty of Alanis
Colloquial term for the tit ashes of Alanis Morissette’s surgically removed left breast that was ceremoniously tossed over Niagara Falls
The Louisiana Purchase
Nickname of Nick’s penis, which is, according to him, "so bent to the left I could fuck a girl from around the corner"; shaped like a backwards C and also referred to as the "Altoona Curve"
MattyLight1993_93
Twitter username of KB’s most sexually active classmate, Matthew Horan, who confirmed the theory that having an alcohol-related pun as your social media handle is extremely advantageous to getting more girls and/or pussy; all of his subsequent parties and get-togethers were conventional "beaver lodges."
Oozin Boil
Nickname of KB’s notoriously cystic choir teacher Ms. Weller; had the voice of an angel and the face of an angel hair pasta platter with extra alfredo and marinara
Owen
Owen
Palm Sundae
Seasonal “promotional" campaign held by the understaffed and under-equipped Dairy Queen in the Four Lanes Mall; allowed customers to pay full-price to hold their hands under the soft serve ice cream machine and use their palms as a bowl, fingers as a spoon
Randy Mosque and Ramadante Culpepper
Ignorantly given nicknames of the All State QB/WR duo from KB and Nick’s high school who were often and oddly mistaken as Middle Eastern by West Virginia rival schools due to being from Port St. Lucie, Florida and having a slightly more sun-kissed skin complexion than the average West Virginian
Red Meet
Dating app for people with eczema; Nick's now-ex girlfriend cheated on him with a bodybuilder who was on it
Reggie
Part-time line cook who notoriously screws things up and puts too much tell on stories; currently the main suspect in a murder case
Smokeshow Of Your Life
The act of making a former Barstool "Smokeshow Of The Day" your wife via proposal
Nick: I don't want you to be my Smokeshow of the Day anymore, I want you to be the Smokeshow of my life… will you marry me?
Nick's fiance sobs
Nick: Don't cry, you look fucking disgusting when you cry. You know I hate that. Just say "Viva" already.
Nick's fiance: Viva! Viva!
Taken 4 (starring He/Him Neeson)
Forthcoming film in the Taken franchise, starring a slightly more woke and androgynous Liam Neeson
(Credit: @iLikeSeanDaily)
Thererapist
Speech therapy clinic in Wheeling, West Virginia with an infamous typo in its sign; the hypothetical meanest villain of all time
Tripod
Nickname of former Wheeling Park High School star football player and current fisherman on the Bass Pro Tour; known for being "Tri-Pa’d" (having three platonic fathers) and playing catch 24/7, in eight hour shifts, with each of them.
Try Sarah Top's
Seasonal promotional campaign held by KB’s orally promiscuous high school classmate Sarah Minich in which she’d give out “free blowjob samples” in the same vein that Sam’s Club employees give out “free food samples”; often duped by cunning patrons who’d make multiple trips per day in various disguises or strategically fluff themselves so that they could get off during their 15 second sample; currently extinct after dying in a fire; officially became "Twice Baked" after her cremation
Vin Diesel
Hollywood action movie star and owner of the end-all-be-all of pussy in not just Hollywood, but period. So tight and obedient, you could shut it up with a Pacifier. And as tight as Vin’s pussy is, it’s just as clean and healthy.
VD Pussy
Umbrella term for any vagina that fits the bill of being extremely tight, good, and clean; the Holy Trinity of pussies
Girl: We need to talk…it’s about my pussy…
Guy: What is it babe?
Girl: I have a VD…
Guy: All the better
The Vin Constant
The scientific theory that “Vin Diesel with a pussy” is the correct answer to any sexual hypothetical or "Would You Rather” question.
Wee Torso
Charismatic commentator of the annual Little People Olympics in Wheeling, WV
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That's all for now, but there will be plenty more to come. Make sure to subscribe and listen to the ANUS podcast. And as always, thank you to everyone who came out to Kevin Pittsnogle Night at Melty's on Saturday and supported a good cause. As a gesture of appreciation, we're giving all attendees a free wallpaper photo for their smart phone device.