Mike Evans Says Tom Brady Diagnosed His Injury the Instant it Happened, Because Tom Brady is a Metahuman

You might remember this play from the Buccaneers final game of the season. This Mike Evans drop came right after he became the first player in history with 1,000 receiving yards in each of the first seven seasons at the start of his career. Or perhaps you've forgotten it because he came back a week later and took a flamethrower to the Washington Team of Professional Tackle Football with six catches and 119 yards. 

Either way, there are two things you should know about it. First, that Evans credits the treatment he got from TB12 Fitness for getting him back so soon:

And two, that the co-owner of TB12 Fitness was the first on the scene to know what had happened to him:

Let's consider this, shall we? In the human leg there are 81 bones, 70 ligaments and 73 muscles (note that these numbers are not accurate and I just picked the numbers of Russ Francis, Leon Gray and John Hannah, the left side of the Patriots line from the late 70s because who cares). Any number of bad things can and do happen to all of them in the course of a football game. The guy who injured his leg did not know what happened to him. The Bucs medical staff did not know. Nobody knew until a thorough exam was completed. Except the guy who threw the pass. 

Brady was in the shotgun with the line of scrimmage at the Atlanta 11, firing a bullet five yards into the end zone. So roughly speaking, he was 20 yards away. With the Falcons pass rush in his face. Processing the defense, assessing the pressure versus his protection scheme, and doing all the mental calculations of his receivers' routes as they read the coverage and ran options to get open. And he's the one who figured out first that Evans didn't tear his ACL, blow his MCL, rupture an Achilles, cramp up or get a Charlie Horse.

How? Because he is not of this Earth, obviously. He's a luminous being from another dimension who makes psychic connections with his receivers. Or maybe he bonds with them on an emotional level, the way Elliot got drunk when ET was crushing the beers in his mom's fridge. If Evans had injured himself so severely that he was beyond the help of the resistance bands and kale smoothies at TB12 Fitness, Brady would've felt it before he even came across the goal line to give him an exam. 

As a Patriots fan, it kills me to witness this and not totally regret the Pliability War that raged so hot up here for a couple of years. I mean, the Pats did win a sixth ring (celebrate it with some of the finest literature ever put into print) in the middle of it. And it did feel like ultimately the team won because Brady's partner Alex Guerrero agreed not to try to undermine the team's medical staff in exchange for getting back on the team plane to away games. But it came at a terrible cost. It was the very definition of a Pyrrhic victory. And now Brady's down in Tampa winning playoff games and using his healing magic to diagnose, treat and cure one of the best receivers in the league like the wizard that he is. 

Goddammit, do I miss this man.