How Do You Get Out Of Jury Duty? And Do I Even Want To Get Out Of It To Begin With?

Well it’s finally happened. 30 years on this planet and my status of “off the grid” has finally expired. I’m not sure how I made it this long, I don’t vote in elections, I’ve never registered with UPS, and my license has had my old address for like 5 years now. I feel like I know people who get jury duty every single year but here I am, Cook County wants me, the smut blogger who eats chicken wings out of his socks, as an arbiter for a criminal trial.

So I’m left with a couple questions. First, the most important question. Do they feed you at Jury Duty and how good is the food? Kind of an important question and not because I’m fat, more because you can honestly make me do anything in the world with the promise of a solid lunch and I’m game. Cube monkeys can relate. You ever get lunch or breakfast provided in the conference room? Absolute game changer. Bagels or Potbelly, forget about it, basically hitting the lottery. You tell me there is going to be a spread at some point in the day and I’ll sit and stare at a wall forever. That’s just how my brain is wired. Free food trumps everything in this world outside of free booze.

Second, how do I get out of this? This should be easy right? I mean I should hypothetically be able to walk up to the counter, state my occupation as a smut peddler and be summarily dismissed. Do I need to add anything else? Should I say that I’ve watched over 10,000 hours (Malcom Gladwell Genius, nbd) of COPS in my life and I ALWAYS think the criminal is lying? Should I debate someone in the room about the Confederate Flags while waiting? Should I ask the Judge what the masturbation policy is in the courtroom because the Cat Cave has an extremely lax one that I am very used to by now? What are some tips people have? I’m all ears.

Finally, on the flip side, should I try to get accepted? I know they technically say if you are put on a jury that you can’t publicly talk about it but come on, this is Barstool, if I’ve been taught one thing it’s always sell T-Shirts, if I’ve been taught two things it’s, always sell T-Shirts and blog never sleeps. This could be pretty good fodder for the rundown/blog. Maybe becoming a Juror and ending up on a gangland case with ties to El Chapo is my true life’s calling. Maybe this is all the beginning of a glamorous life in witness protection. Maybe this is my sliding door.

I’ll probably just throw the summons out.