Tinder Chick Who Keeps Talking About Buttholes Needs To Fucking Stop Because The Joke Is Dead
(via @brooky_cook)
Maybe I just see too many of these now but this is a PSA to girls out there on Tinder: You’ve killed the butt stuff jokes. They’re dead, buried, and it’s all your faults. 2015 was supposed to be the Year of Eating Ass and here we are left to pick up the pieces because girls drove everything butt related into the ground like an unfunny guy at the office shouting Austin Powers quotes. It’s just so try-hard and probably not even legally a binding verbal contract so what are we even doing here ladies? Step your game up and say no to Tinder butt stuff (unless you’re actually going to say yes to butt stuff, then get an anal bleaching and keep doing you).
Anyway, interesting week here. That big titted girl I declared my love for in last week’s Tinder roundup found out approximately 20 minutes after the blog went up. I also heard from the girl with the unique name whose NSFW moment was last week’s cherry on top because apparently she’s also got lots of guy Stoolie friends. But that just means there’s an air of danger with every blog, really adds to the excitement here.
As always, thanks to everyone who sent something in. Send me your screenshots of bios, funny messages, moments on Twitter, my DMs are open to anyone following me so you don’t look like a creep in public. Let’s get to the Memorial Day Weekend finish line, shall we?
KFC sent me this one this week and it’s a real damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. Like if I put her in the blog did she win? Or does it mean that I’m taking my destiny into my own hands here? I’ve honestly got no clue with how bad she’s mousetrapped me here so I’m just going to post her to be safe.
Also, now you’re on Barstool, Devon, and because of your bio, I’m encouraging Stoolies to take you on nice dates, somewhere really special. Guys, if you match with Devon, please send her funny and sweet texts until the big day, charm her pants off. When date night comes, I want you to show her a great time, order a few bottles of wine, hold both her hands and stare deeply into her eyes. A beautiful moment that catches her completely off guard. Then tell her you have to go to the bathroom and, while she waits for you to sit back down and resume this magical evening, you just never come back and stick her with the bill. It’s the only way to even this up. If you mousetrap the bull, you get the horns, Devon. Head on a swivel.
Did you even fucking read that first one, Carrie? (via @L_A_B_10)
You know exactly what you’re doing. You are a liar, De. A sexy, large breasted liar whom I’d murder my whole family for and waste my life savings on but a liar nonetheless (via @JoeyRocketPacks)
I wouldn’t have included this one but since four different dudes sent me Katie this week, I assume there’s a market for her offerings. Big girls doing big things and you just KNOW Katie puts in a lot of elbow grease (via @CLittlefield53)
It’s not even humanly possible to follow thattbetch on Instagram any faster than I just did (via @Oaktree55)
I believe it is but I also believe you’re not doing enough tbh (via Sam)
So saying you’re super into BDSM, not rapey, saying “Let’s get a drink and see where it goes,” rapey. Got it, the logic checks out
#midgetwithmastectomylivesmatter (via @cmoncraaiig)
Well here’s one Tinder profile that would actually lead to butt stuff (via @Peeking_Turtle)
Girl with #virginlife in a bio…maybe. Guy? 0.0 percent chance, hope you don’t mind having that hashtag on your tombstone bro (via @chris_ta1)
Interesting one-two punch for a bio but if you’re not intrigued by the idea of making a girl recite members of all 36 chambers with a dick in her mouth then we can’t be friends (via @Mo_Monay7)
If a guy said this in his bio he would get zero swipes so clearly the gender wage gap is moot (via @Sdeiner2)
Easily the only good/hot “live laugh love” quote ever (via @JeffreyRossman)
The guy who sent this in says it’s from a girl in Japan but no way she doesn’t know what that sign means right? Also does that count as a charitable donation of time as a tax writeoff? Asking for a friend (via @wsfiv)
Well I guess he’s got some time on his hands now. Hope you ladies don’t mind hearing some dude’s dick referred to as “the plank” (via @pleatherwood…love u miss u, Simon)
And on to the hot and maybe a bit NSFW ones…
I’m not sure I should be so simultaneously intimidated and aroused by an 18-year-old but here we are, Raven. Here we are. (via @zkoz5)
Dagny’s got game on top of game (via @Stromboli4Realz)
Congrats on the hard work but maybe mix in a squat or two? (via @Bricci35)
Even if the ass isn’t a 10, the combo of that plus the caption? Boner jamz (via @Stromboli4Realz)
(via @CT_duval)
Have a week, 18-year-olds. Have a week (via @mitchchapman77)
I don’t know if I should find this girl hot and I can’t imagine I’d ever take her up on this offer…but goddammit if I don’t respect it (via smut king @tbonebarstool)
That’s not how belts work, girls are so dumb sometimes (via @the_pistol31)
This girl takes more nudes before 9am than most girls do all day (via @jonbobrow)
(via @vinnie_vici)
I’ve always felt like trying to fuck should be more like a game of Risk. Madeline just gets me.
And your cherry on top is a girl who definitely works out and isn’t afraid to let some lucky Tinder matches know it. Have a good Memorial Day, send me your screenshots on Twitter, and happy swiping!