Nabisco Drops Red Velvet Oreos All Up In Our Faces For Valentines Day

 

First We Feast – Ladies and gentlemen, it turns out that the long-rumored Red Velvet Oreo is an actual thing. Some people didn’t think it was, and we can’t really blame them—after all, it wasn’t so long ago that the Fried Chicken Oreo broke our hearts with its fakeness. But like Linus and the Great Pumpkin, we believed. And now, our Red Velvet Oreo dreams are hitting store shelves on February 2nd. Oreo’s parent company, Mondelez International, is giving away 20,250 samples of its new Red Velvet Oreos from today (January 20th) through January 22nd. The contest is only available to residents of the 50 U.S. states and D.C., and you must be 18 or older to enter. Here’s the place to enter for your chance at a free package, but you’d best move quick—that giveaway only lasts 3 days.

Can I tell you what my Valentines Day plans were gonna be this year? The wife got 2 tickets to 50 Shades of Grey. So we were going to see that and then I was gonna go home and try doing a whole bunch of Christian Grey shit that she would undoubtedly say no to. She’d be swatting my hands, fingers, and dick away from all sorts of places on her body. I’d try to tie her up with scarves or something and the knots would probably all come undone. What the fuck am I, a Boy Scout? I’d try to pull off some kinky weird shit and only end up giving her a fat lip and a black eye. Would 100% end up being an awkward disaster.

So what are my plans now? Gonna still go see that movie except I’ll probably smuggle these Red Velvet Oreos into the theater. And when we’re done, I’m gonna go home and eat some more Red Velvet Oreos instead of trying to have BDSM sex. I’ll probably eat some original Oreos and maybe some of the Golden vanilla Oreos too. Red, black, yellow. Call the evening “50 Shades Of Skinny Fat With KFC and his Sexually Frustrated Wife.” Because bottom line is I cant screw up eating Oreos. I can most definitely screw up trying to have porn star type of sex. As a matter of fact I always screw that up. So the only excitement and mystery on my Valentines Day will be just how well the red velvet translates into the Oreo and what time my wife goes to bed allowing me to go JO in the bathroom. Happy Valentines Day, indeed.