I Can't Live Another Day Without Double Machete Guy On My Quarantine Squad

Cousin: Hey honey can you come inside and help with the pasta while I mince the garlic? Pot's boiling! 

Double Machete Guy: Sure thing babe - almost done with my machete practice on this old tire that hangs from our back porch

Cousin: Take your time. It's so hot when you practice your strikes in my favorite wife beater. I'm really enjoying myself

Double Machete Guy: I know. I can smell it. 

We filled out our all-time Chicago athlete quarantine teams on RLR this week and I didn't realize it til now but none of the guys I picked have broad blade sword experience. What a colossal mistake on my part. Once we run out of ammunition, there's going to be a new food chain and surprise surprise machete guy will be at the top, swinging his swords alongside that big ole dick. Makes me so mad I didn't think about this sooner. 

With that, I'm officially swapping out Ian Happ with Double Machete Guy for my quarantine. I need someone who knows the terrain and enjoys a good pre-lunch O-bomb. Someone who knows how to pack a cooler and can keep the bad guys out at night. Sure there's a trade off in conversation and personal hygiene, but one I'm more than willing to make if it improves the group's tactical hunting and survival experience. So Ian Happ, you're out. DMG you're, in. 

For those keeping score, that now reads: 

James Daniels - Bears (Iowa guy)

Alex Debrincat - Hawks (relatable American hockey player) 

Zack Collins - White Sox (bad body candy enthusiast that wants to lay on every couch)

Lauri Markkanen - Bulls (just want to figure out why he sucks now) 

Double Machete Guy - Traded for Ian Happ, plays no sports but gets tons of pussy and isn't afraid to stab you. 

What's your list?