Notable Omissions From Hubbs' "Perfect Dream Girls From Movie" List
Earlier this week, Hubbs broke down his movie dream girls. Now I'm not typically one to nitpick on a man's proclivities, but his list (outside of Blake Lively) kinda stunk. Actually... it stunk to high heavens.
One can read his entire blog here.
After Lively, his list included Alice Eve in "She's Out Of My League", Megan Fox in "Transformers", Jessica Alba in "Good Luck Chuck" and Mila Kunis in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Now obviously these girls are grade A smokes and their characters might offer up some glimmer of hope to bums like Hubbs, me or the common comment section troll, but that's not always a good thing.
"But WSD you goblin, what do you mean it's not a good thing for a smoke to stoop down 4-5 rungs and go for an average Joe like you or me?"
It's simple: it throws off the equilibrium of the world. KFC wrote a dissertation on this very thesis last January when Kate Beckinsale was fucking Machine Gun Kelly:
Makes sense, right? Right.
Now back to Hubbs' list; as I ponder how to thoughtfully dissect that abomination it dawned on me that I don't necessarily disagree with any of his choices. Megan Fox I do (and I'll get to that in a moment) but the rest of them definitely radiate that potato sack girl vibe which makes losers like me and you want to bend over backwards for them. Girls you bring home to mom and dad with your dad undoubtedly thinking to himself, "how did my fuck up of a son pull this one off?" Girls that don't have an issue paring steak with an IPA or going to a baseball game.
But Fox? Fuck outta here. She's so FUCK YOU hot that she would vomit at the site of someone like me and she radiates that vibe in Transformers… Eventually she changes because she's about to get eaten by robots or whatever, but in the beginning she knows she's better than you solely based on her looks. Looks will translate into a life of fucking athletes and celebrities because she's so hot. Like GTFO of my face, bitch. Can you throw 91 or run marathons? No, you can't. Only one of the two of us is better than the other and the better one is ME.
Anyways, like I said, it was more about his omissions, which we lobbed up to listeners on Barstool Radio yesterday. I want to make this loud and clear: this isn't a "who's the hottest chick" list. It's a "dream girl" list and unfortunately we gotta take shit like personality and other things that don't typically matter into account. No, that trifling ho Phoebe Cates in Fast Times doesn't count, but here's a gif anyways:
Look up the full scene yourself, you perverts
HAVING SAID THAT - I could not believe my eyes when I saw that, arguably the most dreamy dream boat that ever dreamed, Claire Cleary from Wedding Crashers, was omitted from the list:
(Dicky V voice) ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! Smart, funny, can run a post route as crisp as Jerry Rice and comes from a family of POWER. She has everything a guy wants in a girl in spades, yet doesn't hold that over anyone. Sure, she almost fell victim to an arranged marriage more or less, but she eventually said fuck that and went and crashed a wedding with Owen Wilson to end the movie. Get u a girl who wants to crash weddings!!! Except you prob can't because those girls don't exist in anything other than dreams.
Next up I have Danielle from The Girl Next Door:
Perfect combo of looks, fun, spontaneity, freak, and daddy issues. Did she fuck on camera for however long? Yes, yes she did. Would that sit well with any normal dude with a brain? No, no it wouldn't. But she's done with that life. Wants to turn a page and move on with her life with a "good guy". She'll even get you in a little bit of trouble; stuff like sneaking you out of school in her Beetle convertible and making you skinny dip in your principal's pool. What a catch! A catch that only exists in dreams… Probably.
Those were the two GLARING omissions he made.
Here are a few honorable mentions that popped in my head:
Brittany Snow from "John Tucker Must Die"
Smoking hot but also kinda a bimbo. Nice girl though. Just not on the pantheon of Danielle or Claire. Definitely second rung as far as "dream girl" is considered, but if you do land her, you're doing A-Okay
Belle from "Beauty and the Beast"
Doesn't care about looks which is 99% of the "dream girl" formula for you half wits in the comment section (welcome back btw)
Kelly Bundy from Married With Children
Dumb as a box of rocks but still sexy with a great sense of humor aka my kinda girl. No she's not from movies but I feel like Kelly Bundy and I would rip apart a dive bar and she'd be one of the few who I could trick into thinking "omg I'm dating this dude he's soooo smart" because she is, in fact, that dumb. Love that about her.
Sarah Michelle Gellar in Cruel Intentions:
Kathryn from "Cruel Intentions" is maybe the last to make the honorable mention cut, but she makes it because she's a grade A certified FREAK of nature. We're in quarantine and dudes everywhere are horny as fuck right now. Just glimpsing at the GIFs above is almost enough to get even the most strong willed dude off. But she's also batshit crazy and a stuck up twat, so basically you're thinking with your dick and not your brain if you pursue and land her, just like her step brother was doing.
PS - was this movie the Segway to all of the step brother/sister/son/daughter porn that's become a thing? Perhaps it has? idk
Vicky Valencourt from The Waterboy
Will kill a man for you. Ride or die chick. Just butt fucking ugly, into astrology and undoubtedly a raging lib
"The Sloans" from "Ferris Bueller" and "Entourage":
Dreamy for different reasons, one will go on an all day Chicago binge with you, the other is just smoking hot and loyal AF… But other than that… eh.
Now I'm sure I missed a bunch. I'm sure I'll get peppered with Denise Richards in Wild Things and shit like that. Look you cock suckers, she's not a dream girl. She's just absurdly hot and willing to go down on another woman. Doesn't mean I want to spend 50 years of my life with her, more like 50 seconds in bed with her. There's a difference.
That said if I did royally fuck up and forget someone that is inexcusable, kindly leave it in the comment section. Thx.