Patriots Vs. Lions Rewind

GOD INDEED

Real simple thing we’re doing with this column. Just recapping the game in vines and gifs and shit. Key moments, key plays, funny moments, funny plays, or basically anything else I think was worthy of mention. And here we go.

1st Quarter

1. Fox 25 Threatening Verizon Fios Customers That They May Not Be Able To Watch Thanksgiving Football Unless They Call To Complain Is Diabolical

Talk about playing hardball huh?   The game was like 2 plays in and Fox runs this scroll like a tornado just touched down in Boston.  Just warning all Verizon Fios customers they may not be able to watch football on Thanksgiving because of a contract dispute or something with FIOS.   Imagine not being able to watch football on Thanksgiving?  What do you do?  Murder somebody?   If that doesn’t make you cancel FIOS I don’t know what will.

2. Akeem Ayers Sack Was A Thing of Beauty

Akeem Ayers played 10 snaps all season with the lowly Titans. He’s got 3 sacks already with the Pats. Figure that one out. Belichick being Belichick.

3. Ryan Allen For MVP  

If the Patriots played the Lions 100 times they’d probably win 150 of them.  But if Allen doesn’t make this play it theoretically could have changed the complexion of the game. Theoretically.  Either way got to throw the punter a bone every now and again.

4.  The Dodge Brothers Commercial.  

I absolutely hate myself that I like the Dodge Brothers but I do.   I kind of want a Dodge car now.   I’m such a sucker for advertising. Dodge Brothers probably never even existed. I’m getting mousetrapped and I know it.

5. Belichicks Cuts Off The Wrists Of His Hoodie  

Yeah I know he cuts his hoodie every week, but just cutting off the wrists is so Belichick it hurts.

2nd Quarter  

1. Revis Island In Full Effect  

Yesterday was arguably Revis’s best game of the year.  I mean how many guys can defend a fade vs. Calvin Johnson like this?  The answer is almost nobody.  Time and time again yesterday Revis made great plays on the ball.   That’s what separates him.  You see so many guys in position to make plays and they either commit pass interference or get outjumped or maneuvered for the ball.   That never seems to happen to Revis.  He always seems to play the ball perfectly when it is in the air.

2. Keep the Blount Rolling

Poor Jonas Gray.  Picked a horrible time to have his alarm clock break.   I guess Blount borrowed Antonio Brown’s TD dance? I have no idea what this is or where it is from?       Must be a dirty south thing.

3. LeGarrette Blount Thanks Belichick For Saving His Life…Again

4. Gisele Instagrams Vivian Watching Daddy

Listen I’m not a big kid guy but even I can recognize total and utter cuteness.  This was pure mushy mush.  Ponytails like you read about.

5. Edelman gets knocked out cold.  Makes a Big Catch 10 Seconds Later

It’s the little things that make good players great. Edelman got decaptiated on a 2nd down play faking a run and then comes back and makes a tough 3rd down catch for the first down 5 seconds later before he even had a chance to clear out the cobwebs.

6. The Lions Let the Clock Rundown to the 2 minute Warning Because They Are Scared Poopy Pants

It turned out not to really matter clockwise, but when you’re trying to burn time with 2 minutes left and you’re at your own 20 because you’re afraid of giving the ball back to the Pats that is the definition of the opponent having real estate in your brain.  You can’t win with scared money.

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3rd Quarter

1. Refs Miss A Blatant Hold On Gronk On Brady Goal Line Int

I guess this is the only way to stop Brady and Gronk nowadays?  Just blatantly hold him.  I’m not sure Gronk would have caught this ball but he definitely would have been there either first or simultaneously.   Most likely an incompletion if he wasn’t held.   You can tell by Gronk’s instant reaction too that it should have been a flag.

2.  Revis Island Ball Skills #2   More perfect ball skills on display

3. Revis Island Ball Skills Part 3

We even got the Dikembi Mutumbo No, no, no finger wave this time.

4. Edelman Punt Return

If you have one of the best punt returns of the year, but there is a flag for holding does anybody see it?

4th Quarter

1. Belichick Mousetraps Jim Cauldwell into Throwing His First Challenge of the Year

Seriously though this was the Lions first challenge?  Did I understand that correctly?  How is that possible?

2. Matt Stafford Slides An Inch Short on 4th Down

Maybe the wimpiest play of the year.  Sliding an inch before you’re about to gain the first down.   Imagine if that happened to the Patriots?   Borges and Felger would cum themselves to the roof.

3. Bob Kraft Goes Flip Phone On Everybodies Asses

“A modern day Zoolander” – Joe Buck It’s Mr. Kraft’s world. We’re just living in it. Don’t want a flip phone. Need a flip phone. Go all 2004 on people’s asses.

4. Ranking Brady’s Best Haircuts Over The Years

We’re going top to bottom here.

1.  The Impregnator

Can you get away with this hair without the beard?  Doubtful.  But with the facial hair it’s nothing short of magnificent.  Man meets model.   I almost get pregnant just looking at it.

2.  Peter Patridge

Classic young clean cut hair cut.  Probably got some wax in there on the front.  If you hate on this haircut you’re hating on America.

3.  Cali Bro

I should like this haircut.  This should be my #1.  It screams surfer hair.  But his face is too clean cut or something.  He looks like a girl.  It’s almost like an early day Gisele haircut when Tom was just figuring out how to impress her but keep his balls.

4.  Rookie Haircut

This looks like a teammate gave him this haircut because he wanted to save money.  Like he thought he could be cut at any moment.

5.  Worst Haircut Ever Haircut

Do you know how much I have to hate this haircut to put #4 ahead of it?   At least with #4 it didn’t look like he tried or cared.  This looks like he thought this looked good.   Wouldn’t shock me if he had this when he was living in Marina Bay and got tricked into this at Ocean Club or something.

5. The Dirtiest Play of the Year

Dominic Raiola tries to take out Zach Moore on the last play of the game when the Lions are taking a knee and submitting. This should be at least a 2 game suspension. No point to this move other than trying to injury or end a career. A people should know when they are conquered.

Post Game

1. Jimmy Johnson Says What Everybody In the NFL Already Knows.  Pencil the Pats in For Arizona

We’re Onto Green Bay….