The Districts For The US Hunger Games Has Been Released. Who Ya Got?
I don't know what this country is going to look like once covid stops running train on us, but a dystopian near future is definitely in the realm of possibilities. So we might as well get embrace the inevitable Hunger Games that comes with it replacing sports as we know it once shit hits the fan and do one of these map games that are fun even when the entire country isn't on lockdown.
To be clear, these Hunger Games follow the movie's rules where 2 combatants from your district get chosen. It's not a 13-way Civil War between all the citizens. I'm sorry if I messed up any group of states, but I refuse to look at the map of the US because it makes me realize how dumb I am.
PRETENDERS
District 1:
All I see here is Cali surfer bros, LA residents softened up by years of warm sun, and maybe the occasional bad mamma jamma from South Central like Deebo from Friday. District 1 is gonna get absolutely washed unless Mike Trout's son is born and can rep them.
District 2:
If District 2 can get their hands on meth during the Hunger Games, they have a chance. However, getting their hands on meth could lead to them eating each others faces off and being their downfall. Too volatile.
District 3:
idk idc
District 7:
Hippie City. The crunchy folks of District 7 may be able to survive for a bit because they can find berries and can talk to the Earth and shit. But they do not stand a fucking CHANCE of winning the Hunger Games because at some point you have to kill someone using more than a net trap or bow and arrow. I imagine the District 7 contestants will end up dying from measles and chicken pox while in hiding more than they die from the hands of another team.
District 8:
8 is most certainly a number and a curvy one at that! It is also the key part of the joke why is 10 so scared of 7? Because 7 8 9. But I don't really know which cities are in District 8 other than I guess Denver? I don't know. District 8 is actually the Denver Nuggets of this map. May make noise here and there but in the end will never truly be in the mix to win it all.
ALSO RANS
District 9:
I feel like a lot of people in District 9 wear raccoon hats and are biters in fights. That's the exact kind of person you want on your side in a fight but not a crew that's gonna win The Games.
District 4:
District 4 is listed here strictly because Florida is the ultimate wildcard in anything United States related. A Floridian teammate in the Hunger Games is like having the rocket launcher in Goldeneye. Super deadly entities that are as likely to kill you as they are your opponent. I also don't know how to make this point without coming across as an asshole so I'll just say people raised on the coast are different.
THE DARKHORSE
District 12:
At first I dismissed District 12 as a pretender because I thought it was just the DMV. Then I realized West Virginia was in District 12, which instantly makes them the X-Factor. I've watched enough Rough N Rowdy fighters from West Va to know not to count anybody from that state out in a battle to the death and can almost hear that state full of savages singing this after every win in their Hunger Game dynasty.
Goosebumps.
THE CONTENDERS
District 5:
Wisconsin is an offensive lineman factory and anybody that can survive Minnesota winters can handle a pesky Hunger Games. But I feel like Midwestern kindness is a huge weakness for District 5.
District 6:
I was ready to dismiss District 6 . But never count out a district in a deathmatch that has Detroit on its side.
I've also heard UPers, which is the nickname for people from the upper peninsula of Michigan, are a completely different breed of human like the wildlings in Thrones and I would never discount a wildling taking down a Hunger Games (Blogger's Note: I just received this tweet that Chicago is in District 6 as is Cleveland, which changes EVERYTHING *said in TJ Lavin voice*).
I do know that Chicago is on a Great Lake because my dumb brain thinks Lake Michigan is an ocean every time I visit it. District 6 is a BEAST.
District 10:
Everyone that lives in District 10 has a 99 Strength rating from wrestling cattle since they were young'ns. I don't know which of these states is the Big Sky State so I am referring them all as the Big Sky State. Once my District was eliminated, I feel like I'd root for District 10 to win.
THE FAVORITES
District 13:
New York, Boston, Philly, etc. Scumbag central. A massive group of people that have dealt with shitty winters and paying high prices for the right to experience those shitty winters while living in overcrowded areas for their entire life. If iron sharpens iron, District 13 is a sword ready to do damage. However, there is just as good a chance the combatants of District 13 kill each other instead of their opponents due to disagreements about sports teams to what certain things are called regionally to local dialect (Source: Pretty much every disagreement ever published on Barstool).
District 11:
I've watched way too much Texas High School and SEC football to not #RE2PECT the shit out of District 11. They have the athletes, no shortage of experience with high-powered weapons, and unlimited people that could be dubbed "Country strong". To be honest, Texas should probably be a district to itself which nobody from Texas would disagree with because Texans love themselves some Texas. Which is why I am making a rule that Bill O'Brien is the head coach and GM of District 11, which means he will likely trade away his best assets for dimes on the dollar.
As always, Barstool is a democratic website that asks you to make your own pick because I am just an idiot from District 13. So vote below.