Self-Therapy Session: Newborn/Coronavirus

I was looking into getting a therapist to properly diagnose whatever the hell is wrong with me and my brain when I got back to work after paternity leave. It's a scary time to have a newborn, especially if you're already on edge regarding your own mental state. Then the seriousness of the coronavirus amplified, so I started to stress about my mentals AND my chickens. So I decided to use my twisted mindset to my advantage and conduct a therapy session with myself.

Here are the results:

THERAPIST
Thanks for coming in on such short notice.

BRANDON
Thanks for seeing me. Especially right now...

THERAPIST
Of course. Of course... A lot has changed since the last time we talked. You and your wife had a baby. Congratulations. Based on the conversation we had earlier, I understand you and your family have been experiencing a bit of “self-quarantine” since you got home from the hospital, When was that again?

BRANDON
Friday, March 6th. That night.

THERAPIST
Right. So you’ve been isolated to your apartment for fifteen days now...

BRANDON
And sixteen nights… 

THERAPIST
Yes, and sixteen nights. I want to unpack a lot of things with you today but let’s start with the baby. Carter, was it? How has it been having a newborn during the Corona crisis?

BRANDON
It's been interesting for sure. Feels like it's getting easier by the day. Taking care of the baby but at the same time, it's still the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Oddly enough, as much as I worry about the baby and his well-being, he's definitely been a sense of hope and happiness.

THERAPIST
That's completely understandable. Children are a big responsibility. Have you considered your child may be distracting you from all the negative news surrounding the spread of the virus?

BRANDON
Uh, yeah absolutely. Me reminding myself that it is in fact just a distraction is one of the reasons it was so important to me that we met today. I'm not losing it or anything. Oddly enough this has been an ideal situation for me.

THERAPIST
Interesting? How so?

BRANDON
I mean, sometimes I think the less I can be around people the better. 

THERAPIST
Elaborate.

BRANDON
I dunno. I'm a people pleaser. Or I used to be. That was the last time I saw a therapist. Or a psychiatrist. Well, the therapist every Thursday and the psychiatrist every fourth Thursday... but yeah. When I'm around people too much I start becoming the version of them that they want to see. And I'm pretty good at that and after a while, I get so good at that, that I feel like I don't know who I am.

THERAPIST
I see...

BRANDON
Yeah, but that was back in high school. A long time ago. But if I'm not constantly asking myself what I want sometimes I fall into what I think the people around me want and as long as they're happy, they leave me alone, which makes me happy. So it's almost easier to just be what people want me to be so they can just smile, laugh and leave me alone. 

THERAPIST
Interesting. Are you feeling more like yourself since the "self-quarantines" started a couple of days ago?

BRANDON
I mean, I guess. But I'm not trying to credit the isolation for that. I definitely feel more like myself, but I think that's a result of being completely focused on this baby that needs help doing everything that he does. For some reason, his dependence on my wife and I has been kinda nice.

THERAPIST
How so?

BRANDON
I guess feeling needed is more important to me than feeling "like myself" and this baby is one needy MFer. It's like I don't have time to be worried about myself as much anymore which kinda nice but I know I still need to be taking care of myself. Which is why I'm here now.

THERAPIST
How would you say the coronavirus has affected you negatively?

BRANDON
Well, I got a rash on my hands because I’ve been washing my hands so much. We were already washing our hands a bunch from dealing with all the baby shit and breast milk splashed around the house, but now it's to the point where I'm washing my hands with soap and water with gloves on. (Pause) My wife's been really broken up that our parents had to cancel their flights into Newark because of the coronavirus. They had flights booked to come in and help us out a bit with the baby since it's just her and I, but they had to cancel thanks to the Ronies. We want to protect them and ourselves from getting it, but we were really looking forward to handing the little guy off to family for a few hours.

THERAPIST
Have you guys been able to sleep much since you brought Clint home from the hospital?

BRANDON
His name is Carter, but yeah... we're starting to get more sleep here recently. For the first two weeks, he needed to eat every two hours so we were constantly trading off three-hour shifts and feeding and changing and burping. They don't tell you how hard it is to burp a baby. And they also don't tell you that projectile shitting is common. The sleep deprivation was difficult for a while but you get used to it. One thing I am not getting used to is wearing surgical gloves to go to the grocery store. That's been a coronavirus related change that I'm struggling with.

THERAPIST
Is that really something you've been struggling with?

BRANDON
Nah, I'm just tired of talking about my kid.

THERAPIST
Is that really something you struggle with?

BRANDON
YES! It is! Is that what you want me to say?!

THERAPIST
I don't want you to say any--

BRANDON
I don't want you to say anything! I know. I get it. And yes! I'm tired of talking about my son. "WHY?" (mimicking the therapist) Because... Because... I'm worried my life will revolve around him. I want to be his everything but I'm worried him being my everything will distract me from the things I still need to accomplish. I mean I can see how a child can be motivating, but it's a lot of fucking work. He's been alive for 15 days and I wasn't even worried about work during the majority of that time. My career is so important to me and I thought that I worked hard to even get here but now... with the coronavirus...

THERAPIST
Don't you think you just need to work harder?

BRANDON
What?

THERAPIST
Don't you just need to work even harder?

BRANDON
What do you mean?

THERAPIST
If you're worried about time spent with your son getting in the way of time spent towards your career, don't you think you just need to work harder?

BRANDON
... Yeah, I guess ... I guess so.

THERAPIST
One day this whole Coronavirus thing (pandemic) will pass. And when it does you need to be better than you were before the quarantine started, not trying to pick up where you left off. We don't know how long we'll be forced to practice social distancing. Take this time to enjoy watching your son grow. Take care of your wife and let her take care of you. Wear gloves when you take the dog on a walk. You're in the content business are you not? 

BRANDON
Yeah.

THERAPIST
Even if you go crazy during this time of extreme isolation, as long as you record and document yourself going crazy, you'll be furthering your career every day until things go back to normal.

BRANDON
 Damn Doc. Thanks a lot. When can I see you next?

THERAPIST
I'm here anytime you need me.

BRANDON
Bet. I'll holler at chu later then.

To be continued...

--

@NewmanShow99