Pandemic Solved: NYC Branded Hand Sanitizer Is On Its Way To Murder Coronavirus Forever

New York Daily News — New York is going into the hand sanitizer business amid a surge in demand due to coronavirus fears — and state prisoners are making the product.

Gov. Cuomo proudly displayed rows of the sanitizer at a Monday press conference in Albany.

“Open the curtain, please!” he said. “We are introducing New York State clean hand sanitizer made ... by the state of New York."

Is it really surprising that NYC is already at the #1 spot for most Coronavirus cases in the country? When you put 9 million people on an island 2 x 13 miles in size then line every square inch of the roads on that island with bags of garbage stacked up 10 feet tall with tiny rivers of urine speckled with vomit and dog shit flowing through them, you've got what experts in epidemiology call "a really fucking good chance of getting sick." 

But have no fear. New York has solved the crisis.  It's not called the Greatest City In The World (defensively, solely by the people who live there) for nothing. And the Governor of that city is back at it again, rescuing us from the greatest threat to our existence since mint Juul pods: 

NYC branded hand sanitizer.

BOOM.

"Isn't that just Purell with a different label?"

Fucking idiot, no:

“This is a superior product to products now on the market,” he added, explaining the state’s brand is 75% alcohol, exceeding health experts’ recommendations to use sanitizer with at least 60% alcohol.

So much alcohol it's literally more than the experts say you should have. Heavyweight shit. NYC hand sanitizer is ripping shots at the bar and going home with Purell's girl while they're sprawled in the bathroom stall puking into the toilet. 

"Won't all that alcohol make it stink?"

“It has a very nice, floral bouquet. A little, I detect, of lilac, hydrangea, tulips — what does it smell like to you?” he asked officials onstage with him.

Smells so good you don't know whether to squirt it on your hands or fuck it. 

And, as if Alpha Male Cuomo didn't establish enough dominance already, he threw in a power threat just for good measure:

“Also, to Purell and Mr. Amazon and Mr. Ebay, if you continue the price gouging, we will introduce our product, which is superior to your product — and you don’t even have the floral bouquet — so stop price gouging,” he said.

I literally dare Bezos to overcharge for hand sanitizer again. Sounds like a good way to get absolutely skullfucked by King Cuomo. 

In the end, the only thing that surprised me about this story was that this hadn't already been invented. I mean talk about an obvious product. Such an obvious fit. NYC, sanitizer. Some things just go together so well you can't even imagine one without the other: mashed potatoes and gravy, bread and butter, peaches and cream, fish and chips, eggs and bacon, New York City and trash/filth/disease.