Why On Earth Was This Kiwi With A Hole In The Middle Left In The Showers At Bagram Air Base?

It is with a heavy heart that I must report that our troops are overseas and fucking fruit once again. It's honestly sad at this point. We've been at war for nearly 20 years and every day the troops get hornier and hornier. When I was on active duty, I thought, "these fellas.... these fellas and ladies are capital H Horny." Now I know that the horny was just getting started. 

Imagine how horny you have to be to fuck a kiwi in the shower. Just imagine it. You don't just stumble across a rogue kiwi. You have to seek that bad boy out. You're going through the chow hall and touching fruit to see which one is the mushiest. Gushiest. That's my thoughts anyway. You are on the search for a prime piece of fruit vagina/anus. An apple? Too firm. Can't fuck that unless it's rotten. Eat the apple. Fuck the core? Nah. A banana? Yeah. You can fuck that but you're sick of bananas and you saw what they did to my eye. A pineapple? Are you insane?

A kiwi though. You can spoon out a little hole in kiwi and absolutely go to town. A little fuzz never hurt anyone either, right guys? Some people shy away from a little cooch hair but not us. Hairy cooch. It's whatever.

I guess I understand fucking a kiwi on a long deployment but you cant leave the fruit for your battle buddy to find. Being kind with your post-masturbation fruit is important for unit morale. It's a common mistake. I see it all the time. People will leave a Gatorade bottle or a towel filled with cum on the side of the bed or in a common area. I mean, some of these towels can be so stiff that you can literally break them in half. Do you know how long it takes to fill up a hand towel with that much dried semen?  3 months. From experience, it takes 3 months. 

Just throw the kiwi away, fellas. The trash can is right there. Get the poison out and then take the trash out. It's a saying for a reason. 

PS. If you're fucking a kiwi, make it a person from New Zealand, folks.