Oscar Pistorius Has To Stay In Jail Since He Doesn't Have Ankles To Wear House Arrest Monitor

Daily Mail – Oscar Pistorius may not get early release from his gang-ridden jail where he is fed rations of buttered bread because the electronic tagging device cannot be fitted securely to his prosthetic leg, it emerged today. The revelation came as South African prosecutors said their request to appeal the athlete’s manslaughter conviction and five-year prison sentence would be heard on December 9. The runner had hoped he would qualify for home detention curfew with a tag after serving just ten months of his sentence. But MailOnline can reveal that prison bosses have told him he can’t take part in their tagging scheme because the device cannot be properly monitored if it is fixed to a prosthetic leg. The tags cannot by law be fixed to an offender’s wrists as they are too easily removed.  But prison sources said yesterday: ‘The device has to be attached physically to the offender’s ankle.  ‘We cannot use it on false limbs which could be left somewhere static while the offender goes missing.’

First of all, that headline with NO ANKLES in all caps cracked me up. Just like the newspaper is screaming at you “THIS ASSHOLE MURDERER DOESNT EVEN HAVE ANY ANKLES! NO FUCKIN ANKLES, MAN!”

But this is how the universe evens things out. Fake legs giveth, fake legs taketh away. You get to go run in the Olympics on  your fake blade legs in 2012, in 2014 you have to remain in Federal Pound Me In the Ass Prison because you aint got ankles. Thats karma, man. Thats probably why you shouldnt kill your girlfriend if you got fake legs. Probably shouldnt kill your girlfriend at all, regardless of your leg situation, but it goes double when you got hooks for legs. Have fun waddling around the yard on those water ski feet, you asshole. You could be at home, enjoying your time laying on the couch watching TV but you got NO ANKLES.