The Joy of Cooking Nude: In 2020 We Are Cooking With Our Dicks And Tits Swinging In The Wind

LUTZ, Fla. — Karyn McMullen is tired of being asked how she cooks bacon without any clothes on.

It’s one of those jokes people can’t help but make about nudists, and to Ms. McMullen, who has been cooking naked for more than two decades, it shows how misunderstood nudism is. Many people think only about the pitfalls — spattering fat, minor burns — and not the benefits.

“Embracing the nudist lifestyle has given me permission to feel my feelings,” she said one morning as she sautéed bell peppers while wearing nothing but a glittery manicure in her home kitchen at the Lake Como Family Nudist Resort in Lutz, about 20 miles north of Tampa. She lives here with her husband, Jayson McMullen.

“But if you want to know the truth,” she added with a resigned sigh, “I buy precooked bacon, and I microwave it on a paper towel.”

In a world that is dominated by the political leanings of media outlets versus other media outlets, it's nice to sit back and read some real ass journalism. This post from the New York Times was a breath of fresh air. Scrolling through, obviously, the pancake tits grabbed my attention. I am but a simple man and if you have pancake titties, I will stop to gaze. Do I like that my brain works that way? No. But, I am honest about it. Titties. They put asses in the seats. Always have. Always will unless you arent a titty fan. That's ok too. Whatever. Everybody likes what they like. I think that's great. The human body is like Bob Ross paintings. Some like the trees. Some like the mountains. We all like the water (ass). That's just the way it goes. Bob Ross Bodies. Love it. 

Anyway, when I think about cooking nude, I get nervous. Scared. Petrified. As most of you well know, the dick is extremely tender. The tip is remarkably filled with nerve endings that can result in unspeakable pleasure or insurmountable pain. If someone squeezes your dick with their pincer grip with all of their might (on the dickhead), you will not feel it.  Promise. Try yourself now. SQUEEZE! You will go about your day because the dickhead is immune to pressure. Incredible. 

If, however, you burn your penis head with hot bacon, you will be in a world of hurt the likes of which have never been seen. You will scream out, "OWWW! MY DICKHEAD! IT'S COVERED IN BACON GREASE!" You'll joke to your spouse or partner that the only way you can be healed is if they suck the poison out like a snake. You'll both laugh because a blow job will not cure a grease burn. You'll stop laughing as soon as you think about having pressure on your penis. This is a real pain and no time to joke. 

That's what I think about when thinking about the so-called Joy of Cooking Nude. I don't think about eating grapes and shoving a cucumber where the ole sun don't shine. I don't think about cracking lobster and getting all buttered up for my lover. I think about cleanliness because, lest we forget, it's next to godliness. 

So, while I enjoyed the tale that the New York Times spun, I urge you to absorb its content with extreme caution. Do not race to the kitchen with your genitals swinging to and fro freely in your kitchen. If you do, harm could be had. Dont harm the he and her parts. That's rule one in the kitchen and no New York Times article can change that. 

PS. Pre-cooked bacon? Grow up, pussy.