Yeah, I Can't Defend The Red Sox Having A Parade For An Equipment Truck In The Middle Of One Of The Shittiest Time Periods In Franchise History

Listen, I love the Red Sox. I’ve never tried to hide this. I’ve eaten more bullets for this team than 50 Cent has in his entire life. But this? This, I cannot defend. This, I will not try to spin zone. I sincerely wish the Red Sox would consult me on things like this. I’d do it for free, honestly. Just so that I wouldn’t have to write blogs about them after. Help me help you, Red Sox.

As you know, the Red Sox have been doing backstrokes in a pool full of elephant shit, from a PR standpoint, since some time last summer. The 2019 team finished in third place after setting the franchise record for most wins in a single season en route to a World Series title a year before, then they had to mutually part ways with their manager, Alex Cora, after he was named in the Astros’ cheating scandal investigation, all while an investigation opened up on the 2018 Red Sox, also amidst rumors that the Red Sox will inevitably trade their best player on the team, Mookie Betts, to the team they beat in that 2018 World Series. Other than that, things are great.

Just to recap — incredibly disappointing 2019 season, fired your manager, still haven’t replaced said manager, about to trade the best player on the team, and potentially facing discipline for illegally stealing signs. What’s your answer to all of that? A FUCKING PARADE! For a motherFUCKING EQUIPMENT TRUCK! Come the fuck on, guys. Please. You have my cellphone number. You have my email. My DMs are open. PLEASE, I am begging you. Before you do dumb shit like this, PLEASE ask me if it’s a good idea. I will always shoot you straight. That is my promise to you.

I’ve always been meh about Truck Day. I think it’s stupid, but then they started getting it sponsored, so it became a money thing and whatever; you’ve gotta make your money. Totally get that. But this idea that anybody, anywhere in the world gives two flying fucks about an equipment truck being loaded up and departing for spring training is bizarro world. Nobody cares. It’s not a thing. Pitchers and catchers reporting is a thing. It has juice. The images of players arriving down in Ft. Myers, getting ready for the upcoming season — that gets fans excited. Not tubs of bubblegum and sunflower seeds being put on a truck, followed by a Christmas parade with no Santa.

So, when you get the urge to throw a goddamn parade when all of this other shit is going on, please just don’t. It is the most embarrassing, tone deaf thing to do, given all of the circumstances. It literally made me cringe, and that is so hard to do after more than five years of working at this company.

Now, back to having my heart sink every time my phone lights up, not knowing whether or not it’s a resolution to the 2018 Red Sox investigation, the best player on the team getting traded, or a girl I met on Tinder in 2013 hitting me up because a fake website said my net worth was $79 million. My life sucks, dude.