California man stole 30 bags of frozen shrimp... by stuffing them down his pants
RIVERSIDE, Calif. (AP) — A thief stuffed a total of 30 bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in back-to-back burglaries of a Southern California grocery store, police said Wednesday.
The man took the shrimp from a Vons market in the city of Riverside by entering the store three times in a span of 15 minutes on Dec. 14.
Each time he went to the frozen food section and concealed the shrimp in his pants, Riverside police said in a statement.
The stolen food had a retail value of more than $500.
Security video of the suspect in the market was posted on the Police Department’s Facebook page.
I get that having a "shrimp dick" is all the rage these days but I think this guy took it a little too literal. Like stealing seafood is one thing, people have stolen seafood and lived to tell the tale. But when you go out of your way to steal thirty bags of frozen shrimp and shove them down your pants, it's a little absurd.
How did no employee see this guy? He walked in and out of the store three different times (probably ten bags per trip) and just went directly to the seafood section every time. What is one supposed to do with $500 worth of shrimp? Is there some sort of secret underground shrimp market where he could sell these? Is he plotting to construct a giant shrimp cocktail the likes of which this world has never seen? Does he have a shellfish kink? How did he manage to withstand the cold of the shrimp on his dick? Does he have superhuman testicles that can withstand the freezing temperature of Vons Market brand shrimp?
The Riverside PD are still trying to track this guy down, they need to squeeze some goddamn answers out of him. There are so many questions need answering and I know for the fact the police won't ask those type of hard-hitting questions. I wish I could sit down and interrogate this guy just to figure out... why?