What Your Top Spotify Songs of The Year Say About You

Whenever the end of the year approaches there are a few things that most people go through. First, and probably most crucially, is figuring out the exact right time to post the Instagram story that lets your ex know that you're home, you're fertile and you've gotten over your past mistakes so she should to. Second is devising a Jordan Belfort level financial plan, wherein you somehow gain money over the holidays by only eating meals with your parents until the bonus you’ve convinced yourself your getting arrives. And third is getting your top Spotify songs of the year and posting them on your instagram. By doing this you are letting your followers know that they are inferior to you both in culturally and artistically. You're telling them that even though they may also listen to Post Malone, you listen to him more. And people need to know that. They need to know these infographics show that you are not only the only tastemaker who matters, but you are single handedly shaping the direction of music with your taste.

So with that being said I decided to audit some random morons Spotify Wrapped Up and essentially tell you exactly what this person is like based on what they think is a collection of music that makes them interesting.

TOP ARTISTS:

From the jump I can already tell this is a white dude. And it's not because of Mac Miller, he was loved by everyone. It's because having Flume in your top 5 tells me right away that two of your favorite things are cold brews and micro-dosing which are two markets that are currently dominated by white dudes. So my guess is this guy is probably in his mid 20’s, he clearly likes rap but the introduction of Flume makes me think he is from west of the Mississippi but maybe Florida. Either way he wishes he lived in LA.

GENRES:

I love how they let you know that “you refused to let one sound define you” as if thats something people actually have to deal with. Having said that, this guy probably gets offended when people try to define him with only EDM music when he’s clearly so much more than that.

One thing I do want to highlight though is the introduction of “Lo-fi beats." That is an absurd amount of Lo-fi beats for someone to be listening to. The only way someone could rack up those kinds of lo-fi beat numbers is if they are the most chill person to walk the face of the Earth or they listen to them when they sleep. Either way this guy is still white.

MULTI CULTURAL:

Oh wow someone call the United Nations this guy is an expert on foreign policy, he’s so cultured that he listens to music from Canada. I hate whoever this is.

TOP SONG OF THE DECADE:

Having A$Ap Rocky song as his song of the decade tells me that this guy thinks he's better looking than he actually is. He probably thinks that because  A$AP Rocky is fashionable and good at sex that he is too. This guy is either an athlete or a frat guy.

ARTIST OF THE DECADE:

Oh wow the minister of culture strikes again how zany of you to listen to the biggest artist on earth. Show me this dudes face I cant wait to show how right I am about how alarmingly fratty this kid is.

It's hard being this right sometimes.