Meanest Things Coaches Have Said To You Volume 2

Chief 11/15/2019 2:30 PM

Back with volume II of the best coach stories you guys could submit. Loved Volume I and want to do these once per month if possible. Anytime you guys think of something send me a tweet or an email at Chief@Barstoolsports.com and I will get more of these up on the blog. Let’s get to it.

What’s good chief,
Firstly, go hawks baby. I’m feeling dangerous.
Got a few from college but one of my favorites happened my freshman or sophomore year. Late game we needed a pinch hitter and coach called my name and I didn’t hear him, so he screams loud enough for the entire stadium to hear “Put the fucking cheeseburger down and grab a bat”.

I was a late bloomer. I was 5’2 and like 135lbs on my first driver’s license. Ate my feelings and rejection a lot. A lot of baby fat on my sophomore body. If a coach called me fat during a game I probably would’ve been choking back tears in the batter’s box. Shame is the best form of motivation though and this coach understands that.

Not sure if this really qualifies as a quote because I can’t remember what he said. My coach would whip our quarterback with his lanyard in the back of the neck Everytime he fumbled, the quarterback was his son, we were 10 years old.–Joe G

Ball security is job security. Better to learn that when you’re 10 than when you’re on the bench later in life.

Chief,
After the first football practice of my senior year of high school, my coach got us all on a knee and started the speech with “Well, we’re not very strong, but we’re not very fast either.” We went 0-9–Grant M

That’s a coach who has been through the wars before. He knows what a good team looks like and what a shit team looks like. That’s not mean, that’s just experience.

My sophomore year of high school, I brought up to the varsity football team to start the last 3 games at safety. It must be known that we have to win these last 3 games to make the IHSA playoffs for the first time in 8 years. During my first start, our defensive coordinator who played linebacker at Notre Dame and in the NFL told me in front of the whole team that he was gonna take me behind the goalpost and fight me if I didn’t stay deep. Safe to safe I stayed way deeper than I needed to for the rest of the season. We also won those last 3 games and then got destroyed by like 50 to JCA.–Jimmy B

I just said the greatest motivator is shame, but it’s probably fear. Having a giant man tell you he’s going to beat your ass if you don’t stay in your position, well that’s just called getting someone’s attention. Threatening violence in that situation is legal, I think?

I played basketball in high school and was on the ninth grade team (below the jv team because I sucked at the time) while my sister was a senior. One day at practice, I go out in the hallway to grab a drink from the fountain and some kids there tell me my sister had been in a car accident basically right in front of the school. I though they were joking at first until I rounded the corner and saw all the emergency vehicle lights. I sprinted the quarter mile or so over there to make sure my sister was alright (she was) and my mom was already there handling the situation so I ran back. Couldn’t have been gone for more than 7 minutes total. My coach, who was the father of one of my friends and I had known for years, asked where I was. I explained about the car accident, and his response was simply “Nothing you can do about it, don’t leave practice.” I was stunned–Edward K

Unless this email was submitted by Doogie Howser, the coach is right. You’re not going to save your sister. Let the professionals do that so your coach can install the offense on your 9th grade team. What’s more important?

Hey Chief,
Loved the blog. Got a good one for ya.
I was playing peewee football, probably 4th or 5th grade. Fucked up a blocking assignment and the coach was pissed. He grabbed me by my face mask like he was going to chew me out, got pretty close to my face. Instead of yelling at me he took a step back said “goddamn your breath smells like a skunk dick.” Still pretty tight with that coach, whenever I see him he calls me skunk dick and the story gets brought up.–Andrew K
Coaching is about prioritizing. You can only fix one problem at a time. Step one) make sure your kids fix their skunk dick breath. Blocking can wait.

In an attempt to explain to my team that we need to be tough, John Jackson RIP of Plainfield central high school told a room full of 17 year olds that he “wants us to be CockSuckers”

After we all began to laugh, he screams “Why does everything have to be a gay joke” and proceeded to punch a door off of his classroom cabinet.
To fully understand this urban legend head to http://ilovejohnjackson.tripod.com/
He might be the only high school coach to have a full website dedicated to him.
Again he was a great man that is well remembered and was lost to cancer. BUT no one can hold a candle to him as far as crazy coach stories.–Derek B

RIP Coach cocksuckers. And he’s absolutely right. You can be a cocksucker, a cocksucker, or a cocksucker. One is good. One is bad. One is a term of endearment. Everyone knows the difference. None of them are gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Sad to hear that this coach died, but at least he didn’t have to live to see that day where he could get in trouble for saying cocksucker.

In high school at halftime my basketball coach told me to “stop being a whiney ass little bitch.” When I said, “I guess everything is my fault on defense.” He said it is your “fault.” My coach was also my Stepfather.
Graham V

I’ll always have a spot for the dad-coach dynamic. Most of us had to hear it in the car on the way home from our dad and had the comeback of “you don’t know what you’re talking about. That’s not what the coach said”. People who had their dad as the coach were just fucked from the moment they woke up in the morning.

First game of Sophomore year football it was raining pretty steady the whole game. Probably the 4th series of the game, I had a low long snap – punt still got off fine – and my coach (the same one that told me I ran like a turtle on stilts) pulled me aside right after I got off the field. He put his arm around me, looked up in the stands then asked me, “Are your parents sitting out there in the stands?” I looked up, spotted my parents and responded, “yeah they’re both right up there.”
He then proceeds to tell me in a very calm yet serious tone, “have another low snap and I swear to God I’ll take you up there and beat the shit out of you so hard in the front of the both of them that they’ll put you up for adoption.”
Needless to say, every snap thereafter was perfect. –Matt T

Ahhh, the good ole days where you could degrade a player without having the parents getting involved even if the parents are looking right at it happening.

Read your blog and absolutely loved it. Here’s a story from when I was back in high school. It didn’t directly involve me but thought it fell in line with the spirit of the blog…and was so funny that me and some of my friends from the team still joke it about it a decade later.
The event took place on a Saturday morning JV football game. It was 4th and 1 somewhere around mid field and the call in the huddle was to go up to the line of scrimmage and use a hard count to try and get the defense to jump, effectively giving us a first down. We go to the line, get in formation, and our QB goes through his cadence. “Down, set, hit” and one of our offensive linemen, nicknamed Skeet, fires out of his stance and is called for a false start. And our coach responds by spiking his play sheet and yelling “God damn it Skeet! How the fuck do you jump offsides when we don’t even have a fucking play called!? Who the fuck were you gonna block!?” Both sidelines and all of the 50 fans (mostly parents) erupted in laughter. Pretty sure Skeet ended up quitting the team shortly after this…don’t know if this was the reason, but I’m sure it contributed.
Viva,
-Eric

“Hit me in the head with a hammer the next time I draft a dumb player”–Jimmy Johnson. You can’t coach stupid. This kid quitting isn’t on the coach. That is basically natural selection doing it’s job.

When I was in 6th grade, I gained some weight so I passed the weight limit to carry the ball so I had to move from FB to TE. Obviously in 6th grade you barely pass so I was basically just a small lineman. I was having a bad day, I couldn’t block anyone. Anything ran to my side, the guy I was blocking made the tackle in the backfield. I had this old coach who smoked cigs and yelled a lot so he had a gravely voice. He grabs me by the collar and tells me to stop breathing his air so he made me run the perimeter for the last hour. I told my dad when I got home and he laughed in my face

There is nothing better than a coach who is so disgusted that he can’t even look at you so he makes you run. My senior year our defensive coordinator was this guy John Malarney. Loved him. He was probably 5’9 and 235lbs, but didn’t seem fat. He also had a voice that DID not fit his body in any way shape or form. Almost like Mike Tyson but if Tyson had a higher voice and had been chewing tobacco for 25 years. He was the only blue collar type of employee at my prep school. We sucked. We didn’t win a game that year and he was ripping into the defense about something that we probably couldn’t fix. You could tell he was only about half way done with his rant so he took one more deep breath and right at that moment a bee flew in his mouth and stung him. He spit it out and we all started laughing so he just made us run laps for the rest of practice. I’d love to know what John Malarney is up to so if any Berky kids read this please reach out.