9 Ways To Fix The Philadelphia Eagles
(Note: This entire blog is to be read, even in your head, in a Philadelphia accent. If you don't have one of your own, you can use mine)
So the Bird Gang isn't living up to their expectations. That much is clear. People expected the Iggles in the Super Bowl this year, but if things keep up like this, the only way the Birds are gonna be in Miami in February is if the squad is banding together to help Nigel Bradham whip some poor busboy's ass on the South Beach.
Fortunately, all is not lost. Two of the teams to whom we lost, the Lions and Vikings, might be actually good. The Packers are actually good and the Jets don't suck on the cosmic scale that we previously thought they did. In short, we can obtain sole possession of first place with a win on Sunday night in Dallas. The season is anything but lost, however we'll have to tread very carefudlly if we want to make our February trip to Liv a celebration of our own success rather than anyone else's.
So, 9 ways to fix the Eagle this year and save the season.
1. Trade For A Cornerback
This one is obvious. Our cornerbacks are toast. They suck and they love to get burnt. I am going to do myself a favor and not look through a list of players who were drafted after Sidney Jones because I am simply tending to my own mental health.
In short, the Eagles need to make a trade. If they don't they will be showing their fanbase and themselves that they have given up any chance of being competitive this season. Right now, today, I would give up two first round picks for Jalen Ramsay. But I wouldn't stop there. There is a good chance Jalen's not available, in which case, I would gladly give up a first for Patrick Peterson. I would also love to have Chris Harris. Or Xavien Howard. Or William Jackson. Or any combination of these players. Take the picks. We'd just fuck them up anyway.
2. Make Our Players Faster
Doesn't it feel like the Eagles are slow as shit? Doesn't it feel like we don't have burners on offense in the absence of DeSean? Doesn't it feel like our defensive backs are standing still as they get sprinted past by vastly superior athletes.
The clear answer to that is to get faster. Some suggestions to make this a reality;
- Sprint downhill. My grade school football coach used bless us with this gem. If you sprint downhill, then you train your body to be faster than it is used to going on ground. If I recall correctly, I've only ever seen players running on a level playing field.
- Train with donuts on your legs. Baseball players swing bats with donuts, then come gametime, it's like the bat isn't even there.
- Play with a genuine sense of fear. It's suggested that in life-threatening situations, people tend to access a new gear of physicality. If the Eagles get actually scared, they might find a faster playing speed. Maybe read some RL Stein novels to the team pregame or maybe make the players confront their own mortality or the terrifying idea of eternity. Maybe put a cheetah in the locker room. This is for the coaching staff to decide.
3. Make The Defensive Line Play Angrier
The Eagles d-line has been their strength in years past. This year, not so much. Losing Mike Bennett and Chris Long has proven to be detrimental. Players like Brandon Graham are pulling double duty inside and outside and young players like Derek Barnett, Josh Sweat and Daeshon Hall aren't transcending to playmaker status to help our inept DBs.
The answer? Anger. And I have the exact way to create that. Nothing makes me angrier or more annoyed than an itchy tag on the inside collar of my shirt. So my answer, to really piss our guys off, is to make a shirt exclusively out of tags. Tags everywhere. Think of how annoyed the players would be if they have an itch they can't scratch at all times. 7 sacks a game.
4. Stop Making Declarative Statements
Zach Brown probably regrets his statements about Kirk Cousins after our defense got chicken fried by an admittedly bad QB.
Then after the game, the disconnect deepened.
But no sooner had the Eagles gotten shellacked on the heels of some caustic comments, Doug Pederson decided to throw his dumb mouth around and make an even more declarative statement.
Hey, maybe for the time being let's just not say anything? Maybe just let the play on the field speak for itself? We should be inspired on our own without the rah-rah shit and there's no reason to light a fire under any more mediocre underachievers.
5. Continue To Play In The NFC East
Luckily for this team, we are playing in perhaps the worst division in the league. The Giants are one game out of first place. Let us consider that. The hapless, injury-riddled, rookie-qb-starting Giants are still in the picture.
So for the Eagles, the key to success here is simple. Stay in this division. Don't make any fuss. We don't even want to be seen. We play the Giants twice, the Redskins once more and the Cowboys last two losses are against teams we beat. If the NFL decides on an unprecedented mid-season realignment that puts in, say, the NFC North, it would both flatly ruin our own chances and make very little geographical sense.
6. Don't Let Carson Wentz Listen To Anything
Some of the smaller minds in the nation are viewing the Eagles early-season struggles as an opportunity to squat on a take that is patently false; that this is Carson Wentz's fault.
Carson Wentz has been fine. Carson Wentz has been beautiful. Carson Wentz need people to help him. I have no idea of this is true, but it seems like Carson's psyche was effected last year with the introduction of the Nick Foles narrative. I want to protect Carson Wentz's brain. I want to be the Brandon Brooks of his mindset. Don't listen to any of these people Carson. Just keep doing you and hopefully the rest of us will catch up.
7. Select Better Players To Be On The Team
It is a futile effort to look at any given draft and compare any one player with the more successful players taken after them, but it already seems that JJ Arcega-Whiteside's career is automatically linked to DK Metcalf's.
Sure would be nice to have a good receiver there. It's not really unreasonable to ask a second rounder to participate in meaningful football during his rookie season. Alas, the Eagles haven't been able to pick any receivers worth cooing about with their own picks.
Same for CBs. Same for RBs, honestly. Donnell Pumphrey already is haunting.
Yikes.
8. Use Their Hands To Make Catches
Every single drop isn't always on the receiver and drops surely look worse when they happen to your own team, but damn it seems like we've had a ton.
And the stats seem to support the eye test. We are dropping the shit out of the ball.
So how do we fix this? Cheat. This is simple. Go full White Sox Dave. Go full Patriots. Deflate balls, use stickum, offensively pass interfere (they won't call it anyway). We have not been cheating, thus we have not been trying. It is time to try.
9. Become Healthy Human Beings
Every team drops passes. Every team gets called for penalties. Every team has injuries. It would be unfair to put all our blame there. That said, consider the names we should be getting back from injury.
- DeSean Jackson
- Malik Jackson
- Tim Jernigan
- Ronald Darby
- Jalen Mills
- Cre'von LeBlanc
- Avonte Maddox
This won't solve all our problems, but it helps address a lot of problem areas. We'd be gaining speed, stretching the field more, getting our pass rushers less attention and throwing four bodies at corner, which is four more bodies than I trust right now.
If we follow all these steps meticulously, then the Bird Gang should bang on.