Utah Bans Porn, Punishable By 30 Days In Jail For First Offense

St. George, UT — One city in Utah has decided it has had enough porn in their town and is taking the drastic measure of banning all pornography along with making it a criminal offense. In a unanimous decision by the city council of St. George, Utah, a law was passed making the possession of any pornographic related material in the city limits a crime punishable by 30 days in jail. Mayor Arthur McDaniel told CNN he is excited about the new law. “It’s time a city steps up and sets a precedent that this disgusting filth that has plagued this great country of ours for generations will no longer be tolerated,” McDaniel said. “Pornography is a defiant act against Jesus and his teachings. The rest of the country can keep their heads in the sand about this smut and corruption to our children, but not the great city of St. George. I can only hope and pray other cities and states follow suit.” “Our police force will be targeting anyone selling, distributing or using pornographic material including but not limited to magazines, toys, movies and of course the internet; basically anything that is porn related. Anyone in violation of this new law will be subject to a jail sentence of no less than 30 days,” Covington said. “We will also be removing certain produce from our grocery stores; we know all the tricks of a sexual deviant.” 48-year-old St. George resident Myron Danus told reporters he does not approve of the ban. “I don’t care if this is a Mormon backwards state or not, this is a free country and I can watch porn if I damn well please,” Danus said. “If I want to watch naked girls, that’s my business. I’ll be the first one down there in front of the courthouse with a Playboy magazine in one hand and tub of Vaseline in the other.”

You know who can play for my team any day? Myron Danus. That guy is like the William Wallace of pornog. Guy is marching down to the town square with his tub full of Vaseline ready to blow his load all over the courthouse steps. With a Playboy magazine, nonetheless. Just an old school dick beater right there. He’s ready to do a 30 day bid in order to preserve his pornographic freedom.

And how about the poor broads in Utah who blast themselves with cucumbers that are now put on notice too. All sexual produce removed from the story because they “know all the tricks of the sexual deviant.” I’m assuming thats what they’re talking about, right? Its a little confusing because I consider “sexual deviants” dudes. There are no such thing as sexual deviant chicks in my mind. But I can’t imagine other produce thats used for sex. Unless there are dudes out there who fuck watermelons or something, we’re definitely talking about chicks who use cucumbers and carrots and all sorts of other phallic fruit to get off. And unfortunately for them, Utah is taking that away too. Watch porn? 30 days in the clink. Fuck yourself with produce? 30 days in the slammer. Thats life in Utah.

PS – Using Vaseline as lube is hands down the most aggressive move in masturbation. Like you can’t just bust a nut into some tissues or yesterdays boxers and be done with your session. You’re now fucking covered in Petroleum Jelly. You gotta jump right into the shower. And even then its still not an easy clean up. All the water beads up on you like your dick is covered in waterproof armor. You need some turpentine or some shit to cut through that goo.