The Worst Traits Of All 50 States

 

Worst daily commute for New York, eh?? The trek from the bed to the couch is a real motherfucker for me. I know just what they mean! Suckers! But it actually kinda makes perfect sense. The worst part about New York is how everyone is caught up in the Cube Monkey Rat Race and nothing symbolizes that miserable life better than the commute. Dirty, hot, crowded. Ass to dick with other corporate foot soldiers, stepping over the bums, all while spending like 300 bucks a month to travel. Sums up the worst part of New York life. And yes, I’m obviously ignoring the other 99% of the state because thats what you’re supposed to do. I’m sure you gotta drive like 30 miles each way to get to work when you live in the upstate sticks so yea, that would suck too.

Massachusetts has the worst drivers. Personally I thought Racism was gonna take the cake. Philly has Arson, which I guess kind of encapsulates the overall despicable behavior coming out of Philadelphia.  I thought it would have been Oxycontin for the hillbillies in the rural portions of the state. Illinois has good old fashioned robbery, although everyone knows Chicago is the Murder Capital of the United States.

The best states? The 4 Corners States know what the fuck they are doing! I’d love to live smack in the middle of those 4 beauties. Get drunk, watch porn, do drugs, and leave me the fuck alone. I’d love a little but of all 4 of those.

The worst states? Washington, South Dakota, and Louisiana need to clean their shit up. Like 90% of the states are like “nerdiest” or “oldest” and along comes Washington with beastiality, South Dakota with fucking rape, and Louisiana has a bad case of the Clap statewide. Jiminy fucking cricket. I see Maryland with AIDS too now but AIDS doesnt even count anymore.

Least surprising? Texas with the worst high school graduation and Mississippi as the most obese isn’t surprising anybody. But the number 1 least surprising is HANDS DOWN suicide in Alaska. Before I even looked at Alaska I already guessed they had the highest rate of people offing themselves.

And finally, I’m a little disappointed in Florida. We could have come up with a LOT better than Identity Theft. Namely Incest and/or sexual violence.

PS – Yes I had to google South Dakota and Mississippi to make sure those were the right states. And Washington. It was a coin flip whether that was Washington or Oregon