Millennials Are Slamming 18% More Drinks A Month Because Of Their Shitty Ass Annoying Children (Did Millennials Kill Sober Parenting?)

NY POST - A booze behemoth says millennials are drinking alcohol at an increasing rate thanks to a stressful new addition to their generation: children.

Constellation Brands Inc. reports that the average millennial consumed about 24 drinks a month in 2013, back when they were young and wild and free. But this year? They’re up to 29 drinks a month on average.

The company’s CEO David Klein shared the stat during an interview at the Barclays Global Consumer Staples Conference in Boston after an analyst suggested the rise in booze consumption could have something to do with the fact that millennials have kids now.

“Well, I think that’s exactly the answer,” Klein said, according to transcripts from the event. “And what we don’t know though, is: Will we see that same thing with Gen Z as they age, will life get more stressful for them, and they drink a little more? But it’s too early to tell, but we definitely have seen that with millennials.”

As someone who sits across from Kevin Clancy all I can say is that I am SHOCKED this number is only 17.3%.  The depression and despair etched across his face every morning right next to the bags under his eyes is palpable, so intense that I’m worried it’s contagious.  My married friends too, when I see them – which is getting rarer and rarer, and has to be planned like 3 weeks in advance – sit down in their chairs at the bar like they have 10,000 pounds on their shoulders, basically begging to keep ordering more rounds to delay going back home to the war zone that is their home.  That’s not to say they don’t love their kids, they do – but there’s only so much noise and energy and crying and sleep deprivation a 28-34 year old can take, especially when just a couple of years ago they were clubbing on Saturday nights til 3 AM and sleeping in til first snap at 1 PM.  Now it’s little Billy jumping up and down on your chest at 6 AM dropkicking you in the face to wake you up to put PAW Patrol on.

And obviously since it’s 2019 somebody has to be blamed for this so let’s see who is catching the strays….Kelly Clarkson?

The rise is fueled in part by messages in pop culture championing mommy boozing. Singer Kelly Clarkson recently told People magazine that, as someone raising four children, “wine is necessary.” Etsy is filled with crafts emblazoned with cute, sassy messages about how raising children requires you to pour yourself a glass or three. The Facebook group “Moms Who Need Wine” has nearly 728,000 members.

Spoke to a couple of my female friends who have children and each one of them, to a person, said they have started pouring an extra glass each night because Kelly Clarkson said that.  They even put on Since U Been Gone when they do it.  It’s despicable.  Hey Kelly, “Be-cause of YOUUUUUUU” all my friends are alcoholics, thanks a lot.

PS,

What kind of loser only has 29 drinks a month?  Dorks.