Chris Long Lays Down the Best Tom Brady 2020 Speculation I've Heard So Far

Chris Long, writing for SI – While many middle-aged men are reaching for the Extenze, Tom Brady signed a multi-million dollar extension this past week. …  Tom’s new deal gives him an out the first day of the 2020 league year. That’s right — when free agency hits next year, for a few weeks you can even act like you never hated him at all before he makes it apparent that he doesn’t want to join your sh*tty team.

Even the greatest players to grace the gridiron have struggled at crafting tactful exit strategies, but I feel like Tom is immune to even this pitfall. Nevertheless, let’s play this game. Where’s Tom Brady Suiting Up In 2020? …

I expect Brady to play well. Tense moments may trigger the annual media insistence that The Hoodie and No. 12 will soon file for divorce. Usually, they’re wrong. But let’s say they can no longer stay together for the kids. Let’s say the largest unconfirmed rift in professional sports finally opens wide and the Patriots dynasty finds itself in the canyon below.

Let’s get even crazier and hypothisize that Tom would like to wear a new uniform at 43 years old. There’s only one place I could see him going — back to the Bay. And here’s how it happens. The Pats shipped Jimmy Garoppolo out West in 2017 for the 43rd overall pick and have parlayed that bounty into six players with more picks to come. Garappolo was once thought to be Brady’s heir apparent. …

San Francisco releases Garoppolo and he ends up back in New England, where Belichick beautifully repurposes what’s perceived as damaged goods. … The Italian Stallion leads the Pats to an unlikely Super Bowl berth where he meets — you guessed it — the GOAT.

Well, that last part might be totally crazy. You probably want what I’m smoking, but you’ll be disappointed when I tell you it’s just a lot of free time.

For starters, Chris Long writes well. He’s a bright guy so it shouldn’t be a huge surprise. But then again, there are plenty of whip-smart people who don’t have a gift for the written word. He clearly does. And I’m not afraid to say that I enjoyed this because Long is a big union guy, therefore Portnoy would never give him my job.

That said, there are two parts to this. The first one, I love. A retired player who knows Brady and Belichick both – has won a Super Bowl with them and against them –  is laying it out there for the benefit of the Professional Panic Lobby that these two are not splitting up. No matter how badly the rest of the world wants it to happen. And that some time between now and the start of the 2020 free agency period, the two of them will conspire to crush the dreams of millions with the stroke of a pen, just like they do on the field. I know I’ve been saying virtually the same thing. But it’s always good to hear it from someone who has a ring that looks just like Brady and Belichick’s next to last one.

As far as the hypothetical he lays out afterwards, just to, in his words, play this game: It’s not the worst I’ve heard. Let’s say – again, purely for the sake of argument and as an intellectual exercise –  Brady is not the Pats quarterback in 2020.

My personal best case scenario doesn’t have Brady playing elsewhere. It’s that he unzips his human skin, revealing the luminous essence of the inter-dimensional entity he’s always been, and he teleports into the being of another, low-rated college quarterback and the Patriots draft him in the 6th round again. In the meantime, Jarrett Stidham wins the MVP and they flip him to a bad team for their 2nd round pick.

But Brady going to San Fran and Jimmy G coming back to take his place on the Iron Throne would be an alright Plan B. It gives The GOAT the chance to finish out his career in his hometown wearing the same jersey as his boyhood idol, and there’s no shame in that. It brings The Baby GOAT back to the team that drafted him to once again master Josh McDaniels’ system. It would help the Patriots maintain a high level of handsomeness, which is always important. Lastly, it would validate their decision to trade him when they did, because they made multiple trips to the Super Bowl and won multiple championships while he was gone and still got him back. One thing Long didn’t mention was that Jimmy G would have to take a massive pay cut to play here. But that’s a discussion for a later day.

As theories go, this one is not bad. Certainly better than all the other ones you hear on the radio that Brady’s going to play in New York or  the Pats are going to tank to draft the heir apparent or Belichick is going to retire. But the important takeaway is that when Chris Long wasn’t kidding around, he had Brady staying in New England and not joining your shitty team. And that’s the best scenario of them all.

I’ll have what he’s smoking.