Advanced Analytics: The Phillies Have A Lucky Bamboo Plant Now So Everybody Is In Deep, Deep Shit
Heading into last night, the Philadelphia Phillies men’s professional baseball team had been spending a month-long vacation at Rock Bottom Resort & Casino. They were only supposed to stay there for a long weekend, but the room was comped so they decided to stay long enough to lose 9 of their last 10 games heading into last night’s game against the Mets.
Now some people were confused on how the team could possibly climb their way out of Rock Bottom. Many people were suggesting to fire Gabe Kapler. Many people were suggesting to bench certain players. I had suggested that they need to start threatening to beat people up. All were quality ideas but as it turns out, all it took was one lucky bamboo plant from Brad Miller to make the bats alive and turn this season around.
Now here’s a little advanced analytics for all you nerds back home–the Philadelphia Phillies currently lead the MLB with the most amounts of lucky bamboo plants in their clubhouse. That number was at 1 last night, and it is expected to jump up to anywhere from 15-25 today. Just for context, no other team in the MLB even has a single lucky bamboo plant right now, and there’s a chance that the Phillies could have 25 before this day is over. That right there, my friends, is what we call pure and total domination.
So with that being the case…well it appears that all the hot-takery surrounding the Phillies season being over was wildly exaggerated. This team is back and they are better than ever. Not only did the Phillies break their losing streak, but Rhys Hoskins also hit career home run #69 last night.
HR69 on the same night the Phillies broke out a lucky bamboo plant to break their losing streak? That’s no coincidence.
The only thing I’m worried about now is how far this is going to go. If there’s one thing I know for certain about Philly sports fans, it’s that we tend to take things over the top sometimes. So if this lucky bamboo is really as lucky as we’ve all been saying it is, well then I don’t see any reason why the Phillies won’t win the World Series this year (as long as they maintain their massive league lead in clubhouse bamboo plants). So when the Phillies win the World Series and it’s all thanks to this lucky bamboo, I can see Philly fans planting bamboo all over the city. As you may know, bamboo grows like crazy and there’s no stopping it. So if Philly fans start planting bamboo all over the city during the World Series parade in October ’19, the entire city could be covered in bamboo stalks by October ’20. Could end up being a bit of an issue, but that’s a problem for future us to worry about. Until then, ring that damn bamboo.