Barstool’s Preview of THE IMPORTANTEST GAME IN THE HISTORY OF SOCCER
Sam’s Soccer Safe Space For Stoolies
Hello Haters™,
One day – less than that even – until Liverpool fans watch a very important soccer match while Tottenham fans experience the single most crucial 90+ minutes of their entire life regardless of whether they are currently in baby diapers or old people diapers… and neutrals get to sit back and enjoy what really should be an extremely entertaining game.
Before we get Zac-Efron-knuckles-deep in the game though
I have an important announcement (for those of you smart enough to not be on social media):
We have talked about getting people together for an official WATCH PARTY for many years now and I’m quite sure it would have happened last summer had the USMNT not shit the bed. But they did, so we didn’t. Anyway, water under the bridge. Point being, anybody [in Chicago] looking for a place to watch the game should come on down.
Interested? See below:
Please note that anyone is welcome – NOT just Spurs/Liverpool fans. I don’t know if two or twenty or two hundred people will show up. Legit no clue. But it’ll be fun. Plus you may get a chance to see me ugly cry at some point (regardless of the final score), so there’s that. Which is nice.
Now on to the soccer… after a little babymaking music to get your mind right:
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CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
Little reminder of the unbelievable ridiculousness that took place a couple of weeks ago just to get to where we are now:
Both of those games were simply and objectively unreal. I still can’t believe either took place. The fact Liverpool made it this far is not a big surprise since they are stacked but the way they did it coming back against Barcelona and Messi without Mo Salah and Bobby Firmino… I mean wut? And that is somehow MORE believable than Tottenham – fresh off losing to West Ham and Bournemouth – doing something/anything right, let alone walking into Amsterdam and coming back against a white hot Ajax team (and doing so without Harry Kane).
Haters will say that with so much drama in the semifinals, it would make sense for the final to be a total yawnfest. Eff the haters though.
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Liverpool [-150]
Tottenham [+300]
Draw [+255]
As I said prior to the Europe final, don’t expect (m)any surprises heading into this one. Both teams and managers are plenty familiar with the strengths and weaknesses of the other. The extended layoff before this game was a small help for Liverpool (sounds like Firmino will be fit) and a massive boost for Spurs (signs point to Harry’s Winks and Kane both being ready).
LIVERPOOL’S BEST BET: Let’s get this out of the way right off the bat: Liverpool is the better, more complete team. They are less mistaken-prone on defense and can attack from more angles going forward.
The “gap” between the teams – aka Liverpool’s “margin for error” – is small and got a lot smaller thanks to the couple weeks of rest and recovery time that worked in Spurs’ favor. But I have been saying it all year and will say it again (not because I want to but because I am contractually obligated to tell the truth): Tottenham’s big problem is they are vulnerable on the wings. Kieran Trippier legitimately forgot how to play soccer in between the World Cup last July and the start of this season last August. The guy can hit a cross every so often (yay!) but defensively – kinda important in his position – he is a total liability.
The situation is only slightly better on the other side with Danny Rose, who has been better but has never regained the form has had a couple years ago before a serious ankle injury. Thankfully the squad is blessed with three top notch CBs who make up for a lot of mistakes but Spurs being weak on the wings where Liverpool’s attack is often the most dangerous is, suffice to say, a bit of a problem.
TOTTENHAM’S BEST (ONLY?) SHOT: Actually there are two things. The first is pretty cliché and boils down to belief. Ssimply “being better” is not a great recipe for beating Spurs. City were better and lost. Ajax were arguably better (and definitely healthier) and lost. Pochettino knows how to get the best out of his team, and the team has repeatedly shown it doesn’t know when to quit. Going down a goal early – always very much a possibility against a team as dangerous as Liverpool – or (let’s get nuts) even two goals would be a bad thing, but you better believe that Tottenham would just keep coming like the serial killer in every 80s horror movie even after he’s been killed 15 different times.
The second is less cliché but more important: Spurs’ deadly quick strike offense. They have been the best in the league at winning the ball and within 2-3 passes setting somebody up with an opportunity. Tottenham doesn’t do dinner dates or small talk or foreplay. If they get the ball they are looking to fuck you right now. Tactically, that could be an issue for Liverpool whose one weakness – that they are good enough to have papered over all season – is a lack of a traditional playmaking midfielder meaning they rely heavily on wing backs Trent Alexander-Arnold and Andrew Robertson to get up the field and join in (if not orchestrate) the attack. That is their strength (as mentioned above) but it can also be a weakness against a club like Spurs that counterattack so effectively if and when TAA/Robertson get caught up field.
So what is going to happen? Honestly, hell if I know. Liverpool should win on paper but Tottenham should win if results continue to be as incomprehensible as they have been recently.
A win for Liverpool would be almost a relief at this point that this team, as stacked as it is, didn’t win squadoosh on the season. The club and its fans (who were alive or have seen it on youtube) will always have “That Night in Istanbul” to keep them warm at night, and a loss this weekend wouldn’t change that.
A win for Tottenham would be different. The club has always been synonymous with over-achieving but under-succeeding and ultimately finding new and ingenious ways to fail. This season fans have had to listen to a nonstop barrage of jokes about how they are the first club in history not to buy a single player, thus burnishing Spurs’ credentials as the most fiscally responsible club in the league/world. Hooray! Daniel Levy may rub and tug himself to sleep at night thinking about that but last time I checked boosting revenues by a few extra doesn’t make my dick hard. (Just checked again. Nope. Nothing.) So finally winning something – and not just something but the most coveted trophy in the sport – is legitimately beyond my comprehension. I don’t know what it would feel like to not be a lovable loser for once. Would it change how other fans look at Spurs? Would it change how Spurs fans look at themselves? I honestly have no idea. And frankly… I don’t think the question matters all that much because let’s be serious at the end of the day Tottenham can’t and won’t ever have nice things.
Liverpool to win 2-0.
A double-barreled eff you in advance if you are thinking for one second of accusing me of attempting the world’s most ultimate cruel and inhumane reverse jinx.
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Shame on you for even thinking I’m capable of such evil!
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PHEW. So that’s it, huh? 2018-19 is all done? Fun season. Big, big, big, youge thanks for reading, y’all. Stay tuned for some videos from my recent Watford / FA Cup trip that have hit a couple editing snags but should be ready next week, and more importantly hopefully won’t suck. And – because soccer don’t sleep (literally) – stay tuned for more content of one flavor or another for the Gold Cup and Women’s World Cup that will be starting up very shortly.
Holler,
Samuel Army