Barstool’s Champions League Preview – The “Tottenham vs Socialism (Part 1)” Edition
Sam’s Soccer Safe Space For Stoolies
Hi Haters™,
And then there were four. The four best? Mehhhhhh. The four most deserving? Tough to argue with that.
Barcelona have been there, done that, and have Messi. Liverpool have the best defense (and defender) in the world and are looking to go one better than their remarkable run last year to the final. Ajax is filled to the brim with young talent that will soon be playing for much bigger clubs but have emerged over the course of the last couple months as one of the most exciting and in-form sides in all the land. Among them they have lifted the Champions League trophy 14 times: Barcelona (5), Liverpool (5) and Ajax (4).
Then there’s Spurs, a club that is allergic to trophies and missing their two best players (Harry Kane and Heung-min Son), thus forced to rely for goals on Fernando [M] Llorente and Vincent Jajajajajajanssen.
Good! GREAT!! GRAND!!!
Enough with the formalities though. Time to get balls deep in today’s game…. after basking for a moment in sweet sounds of glorious soccer:
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CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
Schedule for the next two weeks:
Traditional reminder for people itching to bet their house on the overs today and/or tomorrow: first legs of home-and-homes are often a little cagier than second legs.
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TUESDAY’S PICK
Tottenham [+130]
Ajax [+215]
Draw [+225]
Spurs coming in as the nominal favorite means two things: (1) people are not yet quite sold on Ajax being for real and (2) they have somehow mistook Tottenham’s recent crappiness or scrappiness. Both are factually incorrect.
Ajax are the real deal. Their first Champions League game of the season was in July – JULY!!! – of 2018 against something called Sturm Graz. They talented as hell, they play a unique balls-to-the-wall style that can give anyone problems, and they are too young and dumb to realize they have no business making it this far against clubs that spend so much more money than they do. They managed two draws against Bayern in the group stage, then dominated Real Madrid in consecutive games before out-classing Ronny’s Juventus. They. Are. For. Real.
As for Tottenham, they are a very talented but deeply flawed team – and that was before Kane went down for the season and Son got suspended for the first leg due to yellow card accumulation. Add to that a handful of players “in doubt” and the starting XI could be the kind of D-squad you might expect the defending International Champions Cup champions to throw out there against Man United on July 25 in Shanghai’s Hongkou Football Stadium.
Coming attraction!
Needless to say, a comparison of the “missing players” from both teams makes for some ugly reading for Spurs fans.
The thing about injuries/suspensions is that – while they are relevant to today’s and next week’s games – nobody is going to give a flying fuck about (i.e. remember) them as soon as the final whistle is blown next Wednesday. So does it makes all the sense in the world that Tottenham’s best EVER run in Champions League might come crashing down around them because they can’t stay healthy (and didn’t buy a single player last summer)? Damn right it does. But that is the way the cookie crumbles and focusing on that right now is an exercise in preemptive excuse-making. Year in and year out Spurs’ “explanations” for not winning silverware boils down to woulda, coulda, shoulda. I’m over that shit. Nobody cares about excuses. Winning is the only thing that matters.
As for the game, Spurs have three big problems:
1. FML and Jajajajajanssen. Need I say more? Probably not, but I will. Ajax only knows one way to play and that is to attack, but that leaves opponents with plenty of chances to score themselves. Real Madrid and Juventus failed to really take advantage of their opportunities… so – assuming Poch doesn’t actually start one of his gruesome twosome “strikers” – the bulk of the offensive load is going to fall on the shoulders of Lucas Moura. The wee fella is capable of moments of brilliance. Fingers crossed? [[Update: FML is in the XI. FML.]]
2. Frenkie de Jong. There’s a reason he is on his way to Barcelona. Guys like Dele Alli need to keep him on a short leash, which will inevitably – but probably necessarily – limit their offensive output.
3. SOCIALISM: Not only are Spurs banged up to begin with but they also exist in the real world where capitalism reigns supreme. Ajax… not so much. The Eredivisie is run by a bunch of socialists who believe in the ideals of collectivism and apparently have zero knowledge of history.
So while this little socialist soccer experiment will inevitably crash and burn worse than Venezuela in the long run, the strategy definitely gives Ajax yet another leg up in the here and now. Congrats to the Dutchies on mortgaging their future all just to take down little old Spurs. Joke is on them though since it will only add to Tottenham’s world record banner haul.
My hope is that Tottenham finds a way to keep things close at home and ride Sonny’s coat-tails in the second leg. However, my brain and history – but mostly history – suggest that is a pipedream.
Ajax to win 2-1.
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Liverpool visit Barcelona tomorrow. Get pumped stay pumped.
Holler,
Samuel Army