Worst Person Wednesdays: The Friend Who Doesn't Have Uber

Disclaimer: WPWs was Eddie’s idea but I’m stepping in first to start things off. We’ll be rotating with these each week.

No one needs to resurrect from a blackout and realize they were the designated Uber buyer last night. After us millennials wake up on Sunday feeling like the guy from Momento, rummaging through our texts and snap stories to piece together what happened yesterday, last thing we need is to see our bank account got silently assassinated by the joy riders. That we were forced to dip into our trust funds for a carpool to get us and the heathens to the downtown bars. Bars in new territory that we think we have a chance of getting some girls at, only to get swiped left once we tell them we’re a 26 year-old busboy moonlighting as a barback.

But it’s not about my occupation segment being left blank on Hinge. It’s about the principle here – the fact that the non-uberers and the Lyftless think we’re going to believe they do in fact have the app but it “doesn’t work.” That’s what revs the engine here. “It’s something with my bank account” they claim. Well then let’s make some calls to the bank brother. Let’s verbally harass 4 different robo-operators the next 45 minutes and get this problem under control so you can start chipping in around here.

They’ll try coming in peace by negotiating to buy your first beer at the bar. But after that, unless you’re alligator arms of the group, you naturally go into switching off rounds with them. That’s the way it should be. However, the point still remains that no one is getting reimbursed here. Uberless Joe is simply just offering to get a round before you. Shortly after you’ll be buying the second round. You paid $30.16 for the ride, but them telling the waitress your order first is the trade-off. But you can’t call them out because then you become the cheapskate even though they’re the ones hitch-hiking every weekend.

And let’s take a second to honor the “I forgot my Uber password” brigade. Thats a Worst Person Wednesday within itself. If you’re not still using your dead pet’s name followed by your grade school jersey number and required punctuation you’re only making it harder on the man in the mirror. Where do you come off thinking you’re going to memorize a new set of gibberish, WiFi code tongue this far past your brain’s prime anyway? Come to terms with the fact that if a hacker ever finds out your password they’ll have full access to your life, and carry on with your day like the rest of America. Oddly enough the Forgot Password option also tends to help with forgotten passwords.

I’m not complaining about the money here. Mo’ money mo’ problems. I’m solely complaining about the excuses consistently flung at me and the rest of us putting our sacred Uber ratings on the line. You either have the app but don’t want to blow your own money or you have issues with the app that can be resolved within 2 minutes. If you’re having cash difficulties then welcome to the world grasshopper. But if you’re coming at me with your “unfixable Uber issue” fables, then you’re getting shoved in a Taxi convincing you that the scenic route you’re on is “actually the quicker way.”

Send your Worst Person Wednesday submissions to @DannyJConrad.