On Behalf Of Michael Jordan, Fuck LeBron
Alright in case you’ve been dead LeBron James passed Michael Jordan last night on the NBA’s all-time scoring list.
I guess that counts if you don’t call traveling but whatever. Not the point.
We’re here because in the wake of this achievement, the internet’s quickly revisited the MJ vs. LeBron debate and it’s really pissing me off. We’ve been at this for years and it’s old news. Last time I got this mad it was listening to Scottie Pippen and other 90’s legends audibly fellate LeBron for losing in the Finals again.
We’re back this time around because LeBron passed Michael and that’s Big News even if it’s inherently flawed:
There’s plenty of statistical arguments to make, but that would start taking us down the statistical rabbit hole and I don’t want to go there. This is Barstool not the MIT Sports Conference. For all intents and purposes call it an analytical wash. Different styles from different eras with boat loads of jaw dropping numbers to back it up. Any more time for me to spend here would be utterly repetitive.
Instead, I’d rather focus on the soft side of Being Great. The human element. To get there we should focus on two main traits: (1) leadership and (2) being cool.
Being A Dick
A lot of people say Michael was a dick. I’m not here to dispute that. His intensity is well documented including punching teammates, cheating old ladies in cards and compulsively gambling away the GDP of Argentina. He wasn’t your ideal family man nor was he a textbook role model. It’s widely accepted his 2-year retirement was a backdoor suspension for some combination of gambling and his father’s death. So again, I’m not saying he was Captain America. The man was ice cold.
If we’re being honest most people I know would call him a pussy but I’m trying to be objective here: generally speaking LeBron is supposed to not be a huge dick. Let’s go to the tape:
Here’s LeBron recording music with 2Chainz the night before a game, then sitting out said game because Load Management. Keep in mind that was when the Lakers were activating Playoff mode.
Here’s LeBron sitting on the opposite end of the Laker’s bench because he hates all of his teammates.
Here’s LeBron drinking on the job.
And more drinking, this time in front of kids
Here he is blasting the actions of two Conference opponents that have nothing to do with the Lakers. Also noteworthy this happened while he was in the middle of trying to trade his entire bench
And then there’s the time he openly admitted to tampering at All Star Weekend because Rules Don’t Apply. Keep in mind this is basically from the last MONTH and it represents the first sincere taste of his response to adversity. It’s not pretty.
When MJ was a dickhead it always trended back towards winning. In fact, the same could be said for just about anything Michael did. Here’s what Kerr had to say about getting punched in the face:
“I disagreed with him one time,” Kerr said with a chuckle. “I think he punched me in the face.”
That disagreement happened during a scrimmage at training camp when Kerr took offense to something Jordan said, and he didn’t refrain from expressing his true feelings.
“It was one of the best things that ever happened for me, I needed to stand up and go back at him, I think I earned some respect. But we have a great relationship ever since… you gotta prove it and then once you prove it, you’re fine.”
Then there’s the time he gave the spotlight to Magic and Larry because they deserved it. From Coach K:
Being around all those players (on the 1992 Olympic team), they were true professionals. They helped make the NBA what it is. And I would say the best player on that team was Michael. I was amazed with how he knew the history of the game. He understood that Magic and Larry were at the end of their careers and what they had done for the NBA. He allowed them to have their place there. Literally, he could have been the captain of the team. He told Chuck Daly, he said, ‘You know, I shouldn’t be the captain. They should be the captains.’
And then maybe most telling is just listening to the two walk about their legacy:
Michael was trying to win at everything everyday. That was priority #1, not his longterm brand or whatever. LeBron’s the complete opposite. Everything he does ties back to his Legacy
Crying About Your Teammates
Jordan was known as being very hard on his teammates in practice whereas LeBron bitches to the media. Two different tactics with two different results: Michael’s teammates never contemplated mutiny while LeBron’s can’t hate him enough. It’s really remarkable when you think about GOAT status. Does this sound like the greatest EVER?
No it sounds like a big pussy with no where to run. Michael on the other hand was a “challenging teammate” that demanded you show him you’re ready to compete with and against him every day in practice. You can listen to extended commentary from how much teammates enjoyed and benefited from his leadership:
Wake me up when LeBron gets this kind of credit from his teammates. If that time never comes I won’t be surprised. He’s becoming a complete Dog Ass.
Mailing It In
I can’t find any clips of Jordan mailing it in because he never did. Not in practice. Not against bad teams. Not when the Bulls were rolling. He literally never took his foot off the gas because all he wanted to do was beat you as bad as you could be beaten. And even then that wouldn’t be enough. Will Perdue said there’s two kinds of winners: those who want to win, and those who need to win. Jordan needed it. There wasn’t any time to pull this bullshit:
Being Cool
This one’s easy.
vs.
And from Bulls coach Johnny Bach:
“You should have seen the girls Pippen had waiting for him everywhere we went. Madonna used to pick him up in a limo with a hot tub every time we went to LA. Michael used to tell Madonna he could satisfy her better, to which Madonna would tell him ‘not a chance.'”
Trying to bang Madonna in the 90’s is the second coolest thing you can do.
Going Bald
Last one. Everyone knows LeBron has been balding:
Gilbert worked closely with Jordan that winter and the two grew friendly. What did he learn from M.J. — besides his own athletic limitations? “I was already kind of losing my hair back then. My dad blessed me with many things, but a good hairline was not one of them,” Gilbert said.
“So we’re driving back from the park, and Jordan goes, ‘When are you going to shave that head of yours?’ I said I didn’t think it would look good, and he points to his own head. So I said, ‘You can do that — you’re Michael Jordan!’
“And he said, ‘No, no, you’re missing the point. It’s all about being true to who you are.’
Michael Jordan couldn’t help himself from coaching up Steve Gilbert’s self-esteem. It’s wired in his DNA.
Now imagine LeBron in that position. I’m betting the house he would lie to Steve’s face because that’s what LeBron does. He lies.
Michael in 4.