2019 Wrigleyville Scouting Report: Dark Horse Tap & Grille

It’s been some time since I dove into a Wrigleyville Scouting Report and for that I’m sorry. Kind of. You see I’ve been meaning to get my city sticker updated (expired November 2018) so I can park on Clark and get lost for a few hours taking pictures. But that never happened because I’ve been so busy interviewing Chicago Mayoral candidates while ignoring my civic responsibilities to keep timely automotive records with the city. Whatever. They can kiss my ass. Leadership would spend $400 to figure out how to spend my $200 if that makes sense but I digress. This isn’t a blog about operational deficiencies. It’s a blog about getting hammered in Wrigleyville.

Today we’ll be going to The Dark Horse Tap & Grille located at 3443 N Sheffield, just a hair longer than a block south of the right field entrance at Sheffield/Addison. If you take a Brown/Red line to Belmont to get to the neighborhood then you’ve surely walked past it countless times. If you’re smart you’ve gone inside. And if you’re really smart, Dark Horse is in your regular Wrigley location. This place is solid.

Dark Horse wins big for me because it embraces the neighborhood identity about as much as any tavern in Wrigley. You won’t be forced to sit through some vaguely relevant country music show and you definitely won’t share the bar with 5 other bachelor parties. There’s really no gimmick or schtick other than extremely good food and blazing refill times. If that doesn’t send a tingle down your spine then you’re an ice cold asshole. Maybe read a couple of the previous Wrigleyville Scouting reports to warm up:

Old Crow
Irish Oak
Sluggers
Houndstooth

Let’s get to the review – again and as always, on the 20-80 MLB scouting scale

Overview: Someone told you about Dark Horse. You don’t just accidentally discover it. Maybe your buddy went there with his older cousins one time and had a blast. Or your dad goes there because it’s on the way to his parking spot off Barry. Regardless, point is you’ve be   i n t r o d u c e d   at some point to Dark Horse and that’s exactly how it should be. There’s a reason you can routinely find yourself a spot at the bar or a table in the beer garden and that’s because it’s Original Patrons Only. Good luck running into a tourist here and even better luck finding a bad meal. It’s places like Dark Horse that keep you coming back for life. And again, that’s exactly how it should be.

Bathrooms = 30. Might be the worst piss closet in all of Wrigleyville and even so no one cares. You have a tall-boy urinal to your right and a wooden stall like it’s been preserved from The Mayflower.

No one said it was glamorous. And to that effect, no one came up to Wrigley to take a nice comfortable dump. Save that for your nice office building Mr. Fancy Pants. We’re up here getting toasted for day baseball.

That said, in the remote chance Dark Horse is ever nearing 70-80% capacity and someone *is* taking that dump we just talked about, your bladder is in trouble. There is no escaping the only weakness Dark Horse brings to the table. The only saving grace is that because it’s so small, you will NEVER be forced to awkwardly fumble through pockets for cash you know you don’t have. In other words you give on space but make it back on the solitude.

Patio = 65. Dark Horse is known for the Beer Garden and rightfully so. Before we get there tho, shoutout to the 4-table front patio:

That’s legit laugh out loud funny. My math says 63 square feet but I can’t be sure. Regardless, small on space big on flower baskets because that’s a city ordinance. All beer gardens that interact with a sidewalk must (a) be wrought iron and (b) have flower baskets. Pretty good government overreach if you ask me.

The real moneymaker is in the back though. And to most people it’s pure sex:

Not to be a big pussy but this is right out of the Chip and Joe playobook

Would

Clean. Calm. Efficient. Right off the kitchen. Lined with TV’s. Servers taking laps one after the other. I almost want to delete all of this because I don’t want you guys blowing this spot up. Same time I’m not doing my duty if you don’t know about this Beer Garden. It’s not your traditional 96mph well-located fastball. It’s more like your 91mph sinker that saws you off and you don’t even realize. Tremendous change of pace before the game, better ambiance after.

Atmosphere = 65. Again, extremely authentic. Not a lot of outsiders. Phenomenal kitchen. Bartenders are all regular dudes. Maybe one or two weirdos but hey it’s the north side of Chicago. We like those guys. They give it character. And before I get lost let’s get a word in on the kitchen: outstanding.

You can slather me in the hot gruyere fondue that comes with the pretzel app and I will lick myself clean. Thick buffalo shrimp. A Paulina Street brat. No Italian Beef but that’s okay because only give it to me if you can handle the responsibility. I want you focused on beef. You can’t be good at everything.

Drink Replenishment = 75. The only way to land an elusive 80 on drink replenishment is to serve keg stands. Outside of that it’s pretty impossible. Even so, Dark Horse sets a remarkable pace with their service staff. Can I getcha another Miller Lite Carl? She literally just put a fresh one on your table 5-7 minutes ago but you’re in Wrigley. What the hell. You could use another beer. Sure, bring a bucket. 

That’s the sneaky advantage to Dark Horse. The square footage isn’t like an Old Crow where you’ll need several hours to properly canvas the bar. It’s more like Soooo this is the bar – all of it – and you can drink outside back there if it’s open *points down this hallway*

You don’t have a lot of choices. No one does. So stop thinking, sit down and order a fucking drink please. That’s why you’re here.

Intangibles = 60. I talked kitchen. I talked patio. I talked character and service. You know by now this is the exact kind of place that makes Wrigley tick 6 months a year. One of my favorite things is that it transcends generations. You can bring your grandma. Bring your daughter. The guys from work. A last minute Tinder date. Your high school basketball coach. Uncle Frank. Tom Skilling. The 2013 Chicago Blackhawks. Christ even Jim Belushi is welcome here with open arms. The lack of judgment combined with the local charm and routinely discounted alcohol all make for one hell of an experience.

You won’t record the craziest nights of your life here. Not by a longshot. But when you just want to post up with the boys for a couple in a sweet place with good food, Dark Horse is v hard to beat.

Overall = 60. Dark Horse is hitting 5th in a lot of lineups. Unlike baseball players though it actually moves up in the order with age. I know plenty of guys who would put it 3. I also know those that like it deeper in the order. It’s all personal preference just so long as you give it the 162 starts it deserves.