New Groom with a Micropenis is Threatening to Sue His Bride for Outing Him

A couple of weeks ago, a new bride posted the following on the “Am I the Asshole?” sub-Reddit:

AITA: Newlywed husband (32M) wanted to wait til marriage for sex and just surprised me (27F) with micropenis on the honeymoon.

So, we only dated for six months. We’ve been engaged for another six and just got married on Saturday. I literally just got back from my honeymoon a couple hours ago. My husband isn’t a religious guy, he just says he is “old fashioned like that.” We got close to fooling around a couple times but it never went far. I tried, but he always stopped after it went “too far”. Anyway, fast forward to now…

Am I the asshole for reading into this and being upset that I waited until my wedding night to find out that he probably isn’t as “old fashioned” as he says he is? I’m not going to shame him and honestly I don’t even know how I’ll broach the topic (and I’m not seeking advice). I honestly just acted like nothing was out of the ordinary and went to town with him, but…I dunno. I kind of feel lied to. Like a halftruth…or something was intentionally withheld from me. This was unexpected, to say the least.

And now, apparently what Tiny McGolfpencil lacks in width or girth, he makes up for in Internet skills. And while he might not be much to look at fully erect, he’s not going to take this particular situation lying down:

But in a twist of events, the 27-year-old woman revealed her husband had seen the post – and was threatening legal action.

She confirmed he was debating suing and divorcing her. …

“He is crushed that I posted about him”, the Mirror reported.

But she confessed she finally confronted him about why he never revealed his small member.

She wrote: “I confronted him last week about intentionally keeping this from me and he said he was sure I would leave him if I knew about the size prior to the wedding.

“And that he wanted to talk before the wedding but feared it being called off because of his micropenis and said if both families found out/gossiped about it he would be crushed.”

Is this ever your classic love story or what? Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Save themselves for marriage. She’s shocked by his micropenis and tries to anonymously shame him in front of the world. He catches wind of it and threatens to sue. Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme. You can just picture Shakespeare writing about this. If say, in Taming of the Shrew, Petruchio presented Katharina with a 2-inch wang on their wedding night. Though, now that I’m done typing that I realize it would’ve been better to use Benedick and Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing. No matter. I’ll go with both.

Anyway, go figure these two star-crossed kids getting off to such a bad start. Who would’ve guessed that not seeing your spouse naked before you commit to spending the rest of your time living on this planet together could go so horribly wrong. And while there’s a lot of error on both sides, I think I’m going to have to take the husband’s side. And not because I have a natural empathy for a man with a small penis, although there is that, but because it’s her fault.

What did she think was going on when he kept shutting her down? What’s he, super religious? Is he Tim Tebow? Is he Colton from The Bachelor? Not wanting a woman to touch your wang isn’t just a warning sign, it’s a siren counting down to pending disaster at full volume like the robot voice over the speaker system in every movie where a space station is about to blow up. I guarantee you this little Size Queen has never bought a pair of shoes without trying them on an walking around the store a little bit. But on this particular commitment, she decided to take a leap of faith? Right. It’s only natural that he’d want to hide his shortcomings, especially given how things worked out once she found out. But she has no excuse.

See you in court, honey. (Small claims? I don’t love it.) Serves you right.