Casting The Super Bowl 53 Patriots-Rams Movie

Jeff D Lowe 1/31/2019 3:04 PM

We are bound to get a movie about the New England Patriots and Tom Brady. The legend even said once in an interview that he wants Mark Wahlberg to play him in a movie about his life. With the Big Game around the corner this week, I got to thinking… who would play the Patriots and Rams players if there was a movie made about the two teams and Super Bowl 53? Without further ado, here is my dream cast (no budget, obviously) for this ridiculous movie…

Ah, the head honchos. Obviously, we would need some forced perspective and computer work to make the Mark Wahlberg thing work, since the GOAT has a full 8-inches on the actor. It doesn’t matter, though, because if Brady wants Wahlberg, he gets Wahlberg. Due to his copyright on playing all white men over the age of 50 in true stories, Tom Hanks is required to play Bill Belichick. Chris Pratt is the young, hot shot in Hollywood and Sean McVay is the same in the NFL world. You might just say Pratt is the next Sean McVay…

Channing Tatum is a big dude and fits the bill as Rob Gronkowski, I mean, shit, did you see him catch passes in ’22 Jump Street’? Joel Edgerton just flat out sort of looks like Julian Edelman and they’re essentially the same height. Joel just needs to grow out that playoff beard a bit. Michael B. Jordan is the do-it-all guy in Hollywood right now, so with a bit of a hair adjustment, he’d slide in perfectly to the Gurley role. He is also already shredded from ‘Creed II’ and ‘Black Panther’. Kevin Hart is a perfect casting for Brandin Cooks and there should be no dispute here.

John David Washington is actually a former St. Louis Ram! A running back too! Well, this time he will be on the other sideline as rookie Sony Michel. Shout out to the Lights Camera Barstool Reddit for the suggestion that Ty Dolla $ign should dip his toes in the acting world and take on Stephon Gilmore. Possibly best defensive player in the league, Aaron Donald will be no tall task for Ice Cube’s son O’Shea Jackson Jr., who will have to bulk up for the role. For a big time, explosive trash talker and on-field presence, you need an explosive actor and the hilarious J.B. Smoove provides just that.

I am not sure if Ansel Elgort has played lacrosse, or not, but he looks like a slightly younger Chris Hogan and is a surprisingly tall dude at around 6’2″ to 6’3″ (a touch taller than Hogan). The newest Spider-Man (‘Into the Spider-Verse’, great movie), Shameik Moore is a great fit for the electric, Super Bowl stud in James White. Black Manta from ‘Aquaman’, Yahya Abdul-Mateen was my number one choice for Robert Woods and the legendary Vincent D’Onofrio makes too much sense as the Rams’ stud tackle Andrew Whitworth.

Trey Flowers is a fucking tank of a dude and Winston Duke is currently the best in the business at being a tank in Hollywood. M’Baku from ‘Black Panther’ is as good of a fit as it gets for the massive Patriots defensive presence. Tyrese! The ‘Fast and Furious’ star will have to do what Armie Hammer did in ‘The Social Network’ for the Winklevoss twins and play two people at once. He can do it, I know he can. Brian Tyree Henry is another actor on a tear right now and he was the easiest pick for me in this entire thing to play out-of-nowhere star (who gamed with Smitty right before signing with the Rams) in former-Super Bowl Champion CJ Anderson. Kyle Massey as Ndamukong Suh is the dumbest casting I have here, but I was so deep into the project that the laugh saved me from the craziness of never-ending Photoshops. I will not be changing this one.

Brian Dennehy literally starred in a movie called ‘Tommy Boy’. How perfect is that for Kraft!? (PFT picked this one, shout out to him) The young star in waiting? No better choice to play Josh McDaniels than Jonathan Lipnicki. The big question is this: will McDaniels get to drive Stuart Little’s car? John Johnson III, one of the best defensive backs in the league, will be played by Lakeith Stanfield, who has starred in two crazy good movies the last two years in ‘Get Out’ and ‘Sorry To Bother You’. Johnny Hekker guest-starred on a Netflix baking show called ‘Nailed It!’ once. That fact has no relevance to anyone. World’s #1 Thicc Boy Jesse Plemmons is perfect for this role, especially since he once had a football acting job of his own in ‘Friday Night Lights’.

It’s time for the kickers! Ty Burrell looks like an older Stephen Gostowski and Greg the Leg is a role Aaron Paul was born to play. I must cast Brendan Fraser, so he gets to play the role of Jim Nantz. Our baby boy Brendan is going to be in fantastic shape, win a Best Supporting Oscar for this movie and then land every big opening in Hollywood. Paul Rudd as Tony Romo was the second most obvious choice for this movie. So, Roger Goodell doesn’t like us very much here at Barstool, but he has to be in a movie about the NFL. Jeff Daniels makes sense for me and I will leave it at that.

Finally, the boss himself, El Pres, Dave Portnoy. His story with Super Bowl 53 is interesting, though, because his character is complex and requires the actor to also play his alter ego Frannie Lydon. Hmmm, someone who has to play two different people, as one person, at the same time? Only Daniel Day-Lewis could do that! (I just realized that Robert Downey Jr. played a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude in ‘Tropic Thunder’, but, uhhh, let’s pretend he is busy with more Marvel movies).

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So, there you have it. ‘Super Bowl 53: The Movie’ casting is complete. Thoughts? Make sure to subscribe to Lights, Camera, Barstool, where we just released our Top 10 Movies of 2018 lists.