You're Not Rich Until You're Putting Homeless Shelters Out Of Business

Carl 1/31/2019 2:20 PM

CBS – An anonymous donor paid for hotel rooms for several dozen homeless people who had been camped out in tents in Chicago as temperatures dipped to dangerously cold levels Wednesday. The good Samaritan picked up the hotel bill for about 70 people after donated propane tanks that kept them warm in subzero temperatures were confiscated. The homeless had set up tents in a makeshift camp near an expressway in Chicago, where temperatures plummeted to 22 degrees below zero. They were using propane tanks that were donated to them –– until one exploded Wednesday afternoon, prompting a response from the Salvation Army.

The blast didn’t injure anyone but it caused a small fire, which led the Chicago Fire Department to take away the propane tanks, leaving the homeless encampment without a source of heat.

The group was set to move to the Salvation Army’s warming center, but then got word about the anonymous donor’s act of kindness. “All the folks there, some wonderful citizen is going to put all of them up at a hotel for the rest of the week,” an organizer told the Tribune.

I like a nice gesture just as much as the next guy but that said this is a very bad idea. Maybe it’s just my background in risk management. Or maybe it’s the image of this place trying to organize the checkout process. Either way this has clusterfuck written all over it.

Again no disrespect to the gesture. Very nice. But imagine being that hotel owner. Good news is we’ve got max capacity for the next 5 nights. Bad news is they’re all homeless and won’t be leaving voluntarily. Two months from now they’ll find a guy sleeping in a utility closet and have no clue how he got there. Spoiler: He’s in room 307 right now biding his time.

On the bonus side you imagine the continental breakfast scene has to be ROCKING the next few days. Tray after tray of cinnamon roll coming out of the little toaster oven. Yogurt cups on ice. Self-serve cereal bar and if you’re lucky biscuits & gravy. Notwithstanding the inevitable damage being done to this hotel’s plumbing and just general cleanliness, it’s warming to know the breakfast buffet will be well received.

At the end of the day though this just comes down to a rich guy wanting to throw his fastball. Guy hears a story about some folks in need, probably over lunch with someone he’s trying to fuck and it’s as simple as calling your assistant and buying out a block of rooms. See what I just did there? I’m a good guy. Get into my Porsche. That’s why rich guys are so awesome. He just put the Salvation Army out of business and the headline is sucking his anonymous dick. Classic power move.

In the meantime, I don’t see the Associated Press lining up for us. Not that we need it, but we want you to know Barstool Chicago will have your back ALWAYS: