BREAKING NEWS: LeBron Just Took A Piss! What Does That Mean!?!? SOMEBODY DECIPHER IT NOW!!!!!!

I couldn’t give two literal steaming shits where LeBron ends up playing next season. People are going to say I’m a “hardo” for thinking this, but A) I don’t care and B) I’d rather be considered a blowhard than be outright batshit enough to pretend to care about this mess. It’s like I’m one of the only sane ones left in this madness. ESPN, Twitter, all sports media, the Internet in general – Everyone is consumed about where King James will be playing basketball.

It’s not that I don’t get it. Sir Homer Simpson said it best: Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand. I’m a sports fan. I know he’s the greatest athlete in the world. No, I’m not the biggest NBA guy, but I enjoy the game and competition. If he were coming to the Sixers I’d be all in 100000%. I’d be glued to Twitter like I dropped Acid and was given a 3D-Magic poster. But I’m a homer. I’d root for Lucifer himself if he played for Philly. But LeBron’s not coming here, so I simply don’t give a fuck.

There’s a lot of other people out there who shouldn’t care this much, either. I don’t need ESPN to influence my mind because they have a contract with the NBA therefore it dominates their coverage. Same goes for the millions of blind followers who deep down don’t care either but need to be told what to do. This guy is going to be a BILLIONAIRE cockteasing the world over a game solely because he can. I’m not going to give him the benefit of the doubt. There’s already a bunch of saps lined up to suckle his teet. I’m standing my ground. Fuck him and the media.

Rant over. Here’s some body painted titties trying to play sports. Enjoy.