Soviet Horsepounding
Morning (before 10AM)… Just saw this come across Top Headlines on my phone, and I am glad that it did.
As the year is rapidly coming to an end, we are about to be inundated with Best Of lists.
My esteemed EIC has already begun working on the daunting task of choosing the best blog of the year here at Barstool. A task that requires enormous intelligence as well as good looks and muscularity… All of which, Keith has by the boatload. He is an extraordinary man, with well-defined abs, and I am not just saying that because I would like to be considered for “Blog of the Year”, although I think I would be a sensible choice… And again, Keith is a sensible and strapping man who has the cerebral aplomb to look beyond any inappropriate stuff I may have posted in the past 6 months, and separate my wheat from my chaff.
Moving on… I am not sure you are familiar with this website, but Pornhub has just released its top 2018 trends, and the article I have attached was a real eye-opener for me on a Wednesday morning.
Here are some bullets:
– Pornhub racked up 33.5 billion visits in 2018, 5 billion more than in 2017. That averages just under 100 million visitors per day, and the number is still trending upward.
– In 2018, the site streamed a total of 4,403 petabytes, which, as Pornhub brags, is more than the entire internet consumed in 2002.
– Mobile browsing was the method of choice for Pornhub users in 2018 — all told, mobile traffic accounted for 80 percent of Pornhub’s visitors, a 7 percent increase over 2017. Which makes sense, as most of us do not have desktop PCs in our bathrooms, hanging above our beds, or in our cars while we sit alone in the darkest corner of Arturo’s parking lot waiting for our take-out orders to be ready.
– “Lesbian” was the No 1 search term among female Pornhub visitors (you saucy bitches), with “Japanese” surprisingly the top term among men. I find whenever I “use” any porn that is Asian, it doesn’t fill me up, and I need to use it again in a half-hour or so. However, the shirts thrown on the floor in the background scenery are generally the whitest.
– Millennials between 18 and 34 took a break from ruining the world and made up 61 percent of Pornhub’s traffic this year.
– Younger millennials aged 18 – 24 saw a 143 percent increase in searches from their parents’ basements with the tag ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response)… I Googled this and apparently it is a link between repetitive squishing noises and orgasms for those listening to said noises. I then Pornhub’ed this and found it doesn’t work for older guys, but makes me want to never chew with my mouth open in a restaurant full of young people ever again.
– Among older millennials aged 25 to 34 (like handsome Keith), searches for “Korean” content saw an even greater spike, jumping 233 percent in 2018… My uncle fought in Korea, so I cannot view this genre impartially, but I can tell you that Russian porn makes me soviet.
– The top female celebrity searched was the dubious Stormy Daniels (she was ranked 671st in 2017), and the top male was someone named Noah Centineo, who I refuse to Google.
And finally, this one kinda stung…
– Pornhub also found older users more likely to search for porn tagged “trans“, with a 124 percent increase in interest among users aged 35 and 44, a 214 percent increase among users aged 45 and 54 (me!), and a 290 percent increase among users aged 55 and 64.
I am not sure if these figures are so high because last year was such a down year for trans traffic that we are working off easy comps, but maybe it can be explained away with the fact that autocorrect often changes “minivans” to “trans“, and we all know there is nothing sexier than seeing a young lady get horsepounded in the driver’s seat of a 1992 Ford Aerostar.
I would go deeper into this matter, but Arturo’s is now serving breakfast to-go, so I have somewhere to be.
Enjoy the day.
Take a report.
-Large
PS- I love that I had to do this…
