Just When You Thought Old People Were Done, They Totally Redeem Themselves

I’ll be the first to admit it, I typically do not like old people. They are slow walkers, full of diseases, it’s gross watching them eat, and they try to say that millennials ruined Applebee’s. L-O-FUCKING-L. You think I would ruin an establishment that offers a hybrid chicken finger/riblet basket? No. You think I would SHIT on an establishment that nourished the bodies of some of Dillion High Panther football greats? Never. Do I love sitting in a booth alone drinking watered down $1 Margs? Clear Eyes. Full Hearts. Can’t Lose. So why would I ever like old people?

I’ve never quite understood my Grandpa. He has always been a bit of a crotchety old man. His name is Richard, so people call him Dick. With people calling him Dick to his face all day I guess I can see why he’d be a little pissed off at the world, but he’s just a strange guy who is a throwback to the Great Depression.

For example: A few years ago he’d been complaining about horrible foot and back pain; come to find out he’d been wearing the same shoe’s FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS AND HAD BEEN PAINTING THEM WITH HOUSE PAINT TO KEEP THEM LOOKING NEW. I realize this probably makes him sound like a serial killer, or like he’s working on the next Yeezy fashion line, but really he’s just an old man saving up money incase the stock market collapses (THANKS OBAMA FOR 1929 & 2008) he’s ready to take care of his family with whatever money he’s saved.

My Grandpa served in the Navy as a barber on an air craft carrier during the time of the Korean War. An incredible sentence. He would proudly tell the story about how he had the honor of cutting the captain’s hair. I did not care one bit because I was like 10 and had also heard from my mom he cut Indiana Pacer’s shooting guard Chris Mullin’s hair one time and THEN later in 2009 Walé released the song Chillin’ with lyrics about Mullin’s buzzed head.. It’s a big deal when you find out your grandpa is piece of hip hop history (and probably a bad barber based off how horribly Mullin’s was lined up.) My Grandpa and I didn’t understand each other, but before I left for New York City he took me out to Steak n’ Shake because he had a coupon and told me when he was in the Navy , Somedays when he was out there it was good. Some days it wasn’t good, but you get through it. Pretty simple. But you don’t have to understand string theory to keep it real.

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He was 18. Had to leave his new bride. Trim a bunch of sweaty dude’s necklines on a rocking, swaying boat.

Now THAT is scary. THAT you should have second thoughts about. But, If he could survive that; I can survive busy New York City.

 It helped me realize that this is an incredible city, not a ship in the middle of the desolate black ocean where I’m sleeping alone.

So I guess old people are good for giving you a $50 check on your b-day and for giving genuine heartfelt life advice that changes you for the better. Next time you see your grandparent … hug them. (Not too hard though because years and years of hard living have made their bones brittle and useless.)