Somebody Stole An 800-Pound Hammer And I Hope They Never Get Caught

HEALDSBURG, Calif. — Healdsburg police are hoping to nail the thief who snatched a hammer – but not just any hammer. The 20-foot-long hammer is made from steel and wood. And the hardware theft couldn’t have been easy – it weighs about 1,000 pounds. It’s part of an art installation program and was on loan. The hammer was discovered missing last Friday from in front of the Healdsburg Community Center.

This is AMAZING. One of my favorite stories in a long long long time. It doesn’t get much better than somebody just up and stealing an EIGHT HUNDRED POUND hammer in the dark of night and nobody having any idea how they did it. I love a good mystery and this is a real humdinger. They made the giant hammer vanish outta thin air. Poof. Gone. See ya. How?!?!?! Honestly how? What did they use to steal it? How did they haul it away? How did no one see them hauling away an 800-pound hammer? Where are they storing it now? Most importantly, why did they steal an 800-pound hammer? So many questions that I do not want the answers to. Right now there’s a giant hammer in someone’s backyard or basement and the people who have it are laughing about it. That brings me a lot of joy.

I’ve never rooted for a criminal harder than I’m rooting for this hammer thief. I wasn’t rooting for Walter White or Tony Soprano as hard as I’m rooting for this person or people to get away and never be caught. I want the residents of that small California town to forever tell the story about how some mad genius/geniuses stole their beloved hammer one night and never got caught. I want there to be a sheriff who dedicates his life to finding the hammer and who stole it and I want his quest to be unsuccessful. I want that sheriff to have a cork board full of clues and leads that end up as nothing but frustrating dead ends. I want that sheriff to be laying on his death bed and for his last screaming words to be, “WHERE IS THE HAMMER!!!!!!!!” and then he dies. Keep on keeping on, hammer thieves. Wherever you are.