Employee Of The Evil, Misogynistic Company "Barstool Sports" Milked His Injured, Breastfeeding Wife In The ER While His In-Laws Were In The Same Room
Blogger’s rendition of the events since my wife is a blonde, the pumping was done in an emergency room, and I have the self-awareness not to wear a shirt with a gym’s name on it because that’s stolen valour for people that actually go to the gym
As everyone knows, it’s #HitPieceSZN once again on the internet. The Pirate Ship is under attack from the outside by another website I never go to while we have our usual Nate vs. Smitty civil war inside the hull of the S.S. Portnoy. There is no shortage of flying cannonballs and ricochet shots as I write this blog. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
HOWEVER, something you will not read in that hit piece is how an employee of this company full of meanies milked his wife who was injured in a car accident and had a chest full of milk that was just as painful as the injuries she incurred (she’ll be OK). I wasn’t even half heartedly asked for a quote to describe my ordeal. Sad! Luckily I explained this at length on last week’s Podfathers.
For those that don’t know, if a woman can’t get the milk out of her boobs while breastfeeding, it is extremely painful and can even lead to sickness. The hilarious if not NSFW “Milk Me” scene from Neighbors does about as good a job as a film can to describe this phenomenon. After I saw the pain in my wife’s tear-filled eyes, I did what any Barstool employee would do and hooked her up to a manual pumped and kept pumping until we hit liquid gold. Was it awkward that the man and woman that raised her from a newborn were less than 7 feet away from me? Of course. But sometimes common men have to do uncommon things to help the ones they love.
Speaking of which, OG Podfathers listeners also know that I was forced into twisting my wife’s nipples in front of her parents when she was 9 months pregnant because she was hoping it would induce her into labor. Name someone that loves their wife, who is a woman last I checked, enough to go through that kind of personal trauma TWICE yet hates all women because they works for an internet comedy site. You can’t. Has anybody at the websites that published these hit pieces ever milked a mammal that was in pain, let alone a human?
*Thinks about some of the crunchy authors that have written hitpieces about Barstool in the past*
Okay, maybe so. But the point remains that just because you don’t like something that someone said, did, or wrote doesn’t mean you can paint an entire group of people with the same paintbrush. There may be people in that company risked it all within earshot of his father-in-law on some real life Gaylord Focker shit to help out the one he loves.
Some would say those people are heroes. But that’s not for me to say. I’m just a husband that loves his wife, a father that loves his kids, and a writer that loves his readers. And snacks. I fucking love snacks. Truth be told I would have milked anybody that was in that much pain even if Jesus Christ Himself was perving a dish in the bed next door. It could have been my wife, your mom, or the devil Dave Portnoy himself. I don’t see people as genders or colors or religions. I see people as people and if they need help I will give it, unless they are fans of the Eagles or Yankees. Then it’s on a case-by-case basis.
Oh yeah and remember that story about the evil witch CEO of Barstool that once had the unmitigated GAUL to send text messages to job candidates during the weekend to see if they were serious about working for a company that lives in the 24/7 news cycle? When she heard about what happened, she was 100% concerned about the well-being of her employee’s family, even if the delivery guy screwed up my name and my diet was on pause for 72 hours.
Barstool is a family. It’s a fucked up family with more drunk uncles than most. But it’s still a family and that’s why this site isn’t going anywhere no matter how many more of these hit pieces come out, which I why I love you guys and love this company.
And I love you Wifey. Sorry for talking about your boobs on the blog again.