Bert And Ernie Are Officially Not Gay, Says Sesame Street. Bert And Ernie Are Officially Gay, Says Me.

WILD day on the internet. We’ve got Trump with a cartoon dick and a Yeti bush (props to him for that though, the bush is back. Gotta stay on trend with your pubic hair. I’ll be ok with a woman laughing at my small penis but not my 2006 dick haircut, no way), Nate and Smitty fighting about who cares less about their incessant fighting, and now we’ve got Bert and Ernie who came out of the closet at 11:43 AM only to have the door immediately slammed shut by by the Sesame Street conservatives. It’s a shame, because this is a visual representation of Bert and Ernie trying to bust out of the closet for the last 50 years…

They’re right there, all they need is a little hand before they come crashing into the world as flamboyantly as ever.

Guess what, I’m here to give them that hand. I’m here to crack that door and let them come spilling out. Bert and Ernie fuck like animals, and I don’t just say that because the guys who wrote the characters say that. They argue like a married couple, they wear rainbow colors, they sleep in the same room (they’re old fashioned and have separate beds, a completely normal thing for couples who got together in the 1940’s), and share clothes (or, as they refer to them constantly, “adorable outfits”). Oh, by the way, they also get fisted in the butt. Sounds pretty gay if you ask me.

The only argument to the contrary is Bert’s unibrow, and I’ll admit it’s a strong one. No way a gay dude let’s that thing fly. If Bert really was gay he’d get that thing waxed with his monthly Brazilian, which is a gay necessity, as we all know.

PS – Imagine working at a children’s network and needing to release a statement that the puppets don’t fuck each other? What a Tuesday.