Allegedly Dez Bryant Was Telling Everyone He's Signing with the Patriots Last Night

I’m not familiar with this Dallas radio guy claiming that Dez Bryant was running around telling everyone at the Beyonce’ and Jay-Z show that he’s signing with the Patriots. Nor to I personally know anyone who was hanging out in the owner’s box at Jerry Jones’s Monument to Wretched Excess. So I can’t actually confirm this is true.

But I do know a couple of things. One, people do not tell lies at Beyonce’ and Jay-Z shows. Fact. Those are sacred events and I want no part of any man, woman or child who’d tell untruths in Bee Z’s presence or bear false witness among the Beyhive.

A slightly less known, but every bit as reliable, principle is my own version of Occam’s Razor. William of Ockham states that when there are two possible explanations for an occurrence, the simpler one is usually the truth. Thornton’s Razor states that when there are two possible truths, I believe the one I want to believe. So for example, if you tell me Gal Gadot either pleasures herself to my picture in her full Wonder Woman costume, or she has no idea I exist, I’m going with the former and not the latter every, single time. It’s served me well all these years.

In the case of Dez Bryant, these two beliefs are all I need to know. Along with this that I wrote about a couple of weeks ago:

I don’t know how much more evidence we need. Dez Bryant is going to be catching touchdown bombs from his favorite player. Soon. It’s inevitable. Or else he wouldn’t be saying it in front of Bey.

And by my math that will give the Patriots receiving corps their fourth 1st round wideout: Dez, Phillip Dorsett, Cordarelle Patterson and Corey Coleman. All of whom are under the age of 30. In other words, just in terms of pure talent and athleticism, they’d have the most physically gifted receiving unit in the NFL.

Obviously, that’s never been their priority here. This dynastic run they’re on has been built by precise route-runners whose major gift was between their earholes. Late-rounders and undrafted guys like Troy Brown, David Patten, Danny Amendola and Julian Edelman. With the occasional 2nd rounder like Deion Branch thrown in there. But if Pats could complete this deal with Bryant, receivers coach Chad O’Shea could coach these guys up, Josh McDaniels could integrate them into the McOffense and Brady could utilize them, they could be unstoppable.

So hopefully it happens. Like five minutes ago. Let’s let last night’s show be the last concert Dez goes to until after he helps bring a Duckboat parade in February.