Two Chinese Men Cheated In A Pigeon Race By Sneaking Them On To The Bullet Train And Winning WAY Too Fast

NY Times- Two men who tried to rig a bird race in China — and claim $160,000 in prize money — have learned that lesson the hard way. Both have been convicted of criminal fraud. Their pigeons did not survive.

Homing pigeon races are a sport dating back at least to the 1800s. The pigeons are raised in lofts, then taken hundreds of miles away and released. The first pigeon to fly home to its loft wins.

The rules of the Grand Prix call for pigeons to be raised in a Shanghai pigeon loft until the age of 1. For the race, the yearling birds are released from Shangqiu in Henan Province, which is 462 miles northwest of Shanghai by road, or 405 miles as the pigeon flies.

The essence of the plan involved training the pigeons to believe they had two homes. The birds had been secretly raised not just in Shanghai but also in Shangqiu.

When the race was held in the spring of last year, the Shanghai Pigeon Association took all the entrants from Shanghai to Shangqiu and released them. Most of the pigeons started flying back to Shanghai.

But the four specially raised pigeons flew instead to their second home in Shangqiu. According to the court, the two men caught the birds there and then carried them on a bullet train back to Shanghai, concealed in milk cartons. 

When the men arrived in Shanghai, they released the pigeons, which quickly fluttered to their Shanghai loft, seemingly winning the race. But then the trouble started.

The men had released the birds too soon, shattering records for the race. 

According to the Shanghai court, the two men destroyed the evidence, smashing the pigeons against the ground to kill them. But then they did make one good decision: They decided not to collect the prize money for the top finishers in the race.

If they had accepted the money, the court said, the fraud would have qualified as a much more serious crime, and both men would have been liable to spend more than a decade in jail.

You know what they say: never trust a Chinese pigeon trainer. Shades of Rosie Ruiz in the 1980 Boston marathon, who ducked the rope and started the race with just a half-mile remaining. She “won,” her treachery was discovered a week later, and it set back Cuban-American relations for three decades. We still have trouble buying Cuban cigars here thanks to that cheating bitch.

Still, I admire the effort. These guys went so far as to establish a second pigeon coop in Shangqiu. Do you know how hard it is to build a pigeon coop in China? The materials aren’t difficult to come by, but finding a few free moments to assemble and build the coop? Impossible. Everyone in China works CONSTANTLY. These guys must have had sooooo many “doctor appointments” and “grandma’s funerals.” The funeral are great because they really respect their elders in China.

When they released the birds, most of the them took off on the long journey for Shanghai. They flew together for a few miles before the cheater pigeons said, “oh shoot guys, sorry, we forgot our… uh… goggles.” The other pigeons couldn’t believe their stupidity. Who forgets their flying goggles on a 405-mile flight? “We’ll catch up to you,” said the cheaters, veering away from the pack and doubling back. “Not if we can help it!” squawked the honest pigeons, believing they were flying an honest race. It was much like how things went down during the steroid era in baseball. “Oh shoot guys, I forgot my weight-lifting gloves,” said the slugger. “Who forgets their lifting gloves?” mocked the stringy Japanese outfielder. And then the slugger went under the stairs and rubbed bull penis solution under his tongue.

Smart of them to confess though, once the other pigeon handlers started snitching. Because they didn’t collect the money, they were spared a decade in jail. A decade! Also smart to bash the pigeons heads on the corner of a coffee table. The less people who can talk/squawk, the better.

I’ve always wanted to hold a pigeon by its feet and swing it against a table. I never would, because people frown on that sort of thing. But by golly would it be fun. I’m certain I could get the job done with one thwack. I fucking hate pigeons.