We, As A Country, Need To Talk About The Great Pyramid Of Memphis More Often
So I’m on Twitter dot come yesterday, as I am one to do, when a micro-viral tweet makes its way across my internet desk.
My first reaction is that it’s fake, because working online has turned me more cynical than I already was. Everything is fake until proven real, especially when crystal skull curses are being thrown around. But I’m intrigued, so I do some Googleing and what do you know but this shit is real as hell. As real as any pyramid on this great big blue marble of ours. Which then led me to get a little angry, because this should be one of our great national landmarks. I’m talking on the level with the Statue of Liberty, the Grand Canyon, the Hollywood sign, Mount Rushmore, all of it. The original Egyptian pyramids are considered one of the great wonders of the world. The Memphis Bass Pro Shops Pyramid needs to be seen as an equal, if not a superior pyramid.
Can you ride an elevator in the Great Pyramid of Giza? Sure can’t.
Are there TEN aquariums inside the Sphinx? To my knowledge there are none.
There’s a god damn hotel, swamp, bowling alley, shooting range, and observation deck in this thing.
Far as I’m concerned the most important detail you need to be considered a real pyramid is a curse of some sort. Like if you fuck with the grounds or disrespect them in any way bad shit will promptly happen to you, as “The Mummy” franchise has taught us. Well the Bass Pro Shops Pyramid of Memphis, Tennessee has that and then some.
After the Memphis Grizzlies and University of Memphis Tigers moved out of the Pyramid to the Fedex Forum, things turned awry and the locals took note.
Per Business Insider:
Some Memphis residents began calling it the “Tomb of Doom,” thanks to its financial struggles and a rumor that a crystal skull had been stored in the apex. According to myth, the skull had been disturbed, unleashing years of bad luck.
The Hard Rock Café founder who reportedly placed the skull at the top of the pyramid told The New York Times that the dark rumors were “utter nonsense.” However, he did say he had placed “several other crystal and mystic objects” in the pyramid, as “part of the glamour and mystery and mysticism of Egypt.”
What kind of lunatic starts hiding skulls and crystals and mystic objects all over the joint when constructing a PYRAMID??? Did Nicolas Cage build this fuckin’ thing? Very few humans can handle the fire that comes with smiting the old gods by playing make believe and hiding skulls and crystals in a pyramid. We should all be thankful nothing truly terrible has come from the selfish acts of this man.
Also, no wonder the Memphis Grizzlies have never won a title. No wonder Cal and Derrick Rose didn’t beat Kansas. Both of them moved out of the Pyramid when the FedEx Forum opened up in 2004. Moving out of a Pyramid to play games in another run of the mill, sterile, corporate sponsored, soulless arena is the easiest way to insure that your program will never hang a banner. Imagine the majestic, sweeping overhead shots we’ve been robbed of coming back from commercials, only to have the camera cut to Zach Randolph drenched in sweat on the bench ready to give Serge Ibaka more buckets, advancing the Grizzlies to the Finals? The Grizzlies threw away perhaps the most intimidating home court advantage in NBA history for nothing. Tony Allen has at least five Defensive Player of the Year awards had he been playing 41 games a year in a pyramid.
But again, the point of this isn’t to just tell people that there’s a 321-foot pyramid in Memphis. Plenty of folks already knew that. It wasn’t just constructed, it’s been around of some time now. The point is that people like me shouldn’t exist. There is no one out there who doesn’t know the Statue of Liberty is in New York. After today, I hope there is no one out there who doesn’t know the Great American Bass Pro Shops Pyramid of Memphis isn’t in the heart of Tennessee. We’ve got a top 10 pyramid in the world in our back yard and it’s about damn time we start taking some pride in that bad Larry.