Border Patrol Needs A Fresh New Look To Rehab Its Image

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No one has had a tougher week than the men and women of United States Border Patrol. Once a beloved American institution, and the number one career destination for those too racist to be cops but too out of shape to be Marines, they have become a national pariah amidst stories of children being separated from their parents at the border. While the sympathy of a nation has been poured upon the children in question, little attention has been paid to the feelings of those who bravely took on an oath to face down dehydrated Mexican families with little more than bulletproof vests, assault rifles, air-conditioned vans, and $15 million worth of ISR assets.

It’s clear that Border Patrol is facing a serious image crisis. If years of Bravo programming have taught us anything, it’s that the quickest way to fix an image problem is with a head to toe makeover. Border Patrol’s black and green tacti-cool outfits — an undeniably hot look in the mid-2000s when the Iraq War still seemed like a pretty good idea — now seem woefully outdated and are doing nothing to help cultivate a positive image. And while their 5.11 gear may keep cannisters of pepper spray handy in case they get spooked by a crying child, it creates a bulky look that’s totally out of place with the sleek, minimalist styles of 2018.

What Border Patrol needs is a hip new look that says, “we’re not your grandfather’s paramilitary federal agency.” It would be much tougher for the New York Times to vilify their agents if they were rocking a sleek Huge Boss uniform as they zip-tied Guatemalan asylum seekers. It’s hard for Fox News to do a credible job defending the work Border Patrol is doing when their agents look like they outfitted themselves at the local military surplus store after hitting up a CiCi’s buffet.

Every couple of years, millions and millions of dollars are allocated to slightly changing the Army’s camouflage patterns so that they better blend into the jungles of Afghanistan. With all the efforts we devote to perfecting the Army’s uniforms, it’s no surprise that approval ratings for the troops are through the roof and soldiers get to be played by Bradley Cooper and Jeremy Renner in blockbuster films. Little if any attention gets paid to Border Patrol’s outfits and it shows. Border Patrol is lucky if they get to be depicted by Nicholas Turturro in a cameo appearance in CSI: El Paso.

As they saying goes, “look good, feel good, play good.” It’s no wonder the quality of play in the NBA increased dramatically after players started showing up to games in Thom Browne suits. If the liberals in Congress could divert some of that welfare spending to get some sharp new outfits for Border Patrol, we would have a more effective force that could finally get all those kids to stop crying so we could get back to focusing on the important things, like which Bengals special teamers aren’t standing sufficiently straight enough for the National Anthem.